A Eulogy to Leo’s Sexiness

December 12, 2012 19:07:38 Posted at December 12, 2012 19:07:38
Dean Posted by Dean
Photos:
Stephen Lovekin /Getty Images

What is Leo’s problem? The NY Django Unchained premiere happened last night and if you flip through the pics below you’ll see Olivia Wilde, Jamie Foxx, even Christoph Waltz having a great time, understandably excited to be celebrating one of the year’s best reviewed movies. Then there’s Leo, Smug Leo, barely awake with an expression that says “fine, I’ll come out to promote the most creatively challenging role I’ve had in a decade and wear this gorgeous suit but do NOT expect me to smile about it.” Smug Leo, not quite alive, yet so far from dead. Know who’s dead for sure though? Sexy Leo. That beautiful bastard has been six feet under for a while now.

Surely you know the Leo I’m talking about. The first time we caught a glimpse of his potential was on Growing Pains. He was clever, talented and looked like a cherub who had stolen River Phoenix’s hair. From This Boy’s Life to The Basketball Diaries, he somehow escaped the awkward teen years that were so cruel to the rest of us and just got better looking and more talented as the years wore on.

And then in the winter of 1996, Sexy Leo became fully realized in the form of…Romeo. How many sexual awakenings were the result of laying eyes on Leo in that knight costume for the first time? He was perfect. Zac Efron? Harry Styles? JUSTIN BIEBER!? No heart throb since can come close to Sexy Leo.

After Titanic though, Sexy Leo got put on life support. I’m not saying he needed to settle down like Tobey Maguire but there’s a feeling of clinging to bachelorhood that has started to feel sad over the years. His work as an actor has remained good, obviously, but the movies he chooses to act in are collectively just so f-cking boring. Catch Me If You Can, The Aviator, The Departed, Blood Diamond, all individually good flicks but together these roles cast an overwhelming shadow of boredom and depression on Dicaprio. None of this has been helped by the fact that after all this time he still seems to unbelievably hurt by his role as a celebrity. It’s as if he has all the arrogance and disgusting macho bullsh-t of Jack Nicholson but none of the charm or humor. Leo is your friend’s mean dad you were afraid of as a kid. Leo is your uncle who hasn’t showed up to the family reunion in 10 years. Leo is unf-ckable.

A nice contrast? Uma f-cking Thurman. Sure the sun has set on her days as an ingénue but look at what a good time she’s having at Django last night, working that crazy neck bow and weirdly enormous collar – and she’s not even in the damn movie! If only Smug Leo could learn to try to lighten up a bit maybe I wouldn’t have to be sitting here listening to the Romeo and Juliet Soundtrack (Kissing You is the jam, right?) lighting a candle in memory of Sexy Leo.

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