BF bridal colours,bigot relatives, seeing a friend
Written by Sasha
My wedding is coming up and I hate "the big, white dress" thing, but it's a traditional Catholic ceremony, so I sucked it up and got one. To add a little punch, I also got a royal blue shrug-type jacket from anthropologie with a cute, ruffley neckline and a bow on the back. I also got some royal blue, peep-toe wedges (royal blue is my favorite color, obviously). After showing these items to a close friend B (she was with me when I picked out the big, white dress, too), she admired them, etc. Two weeks later, she shows me the dress she is going to wear to my wedding--a royal blue dress. It's a highly tailored, royal blue dress. I was pretty surprised--she also knew that my maid of honor (I'm not having bridesmaids) was wearing royal blue--although, to be fair, the maid of honor still had not picked out the dress and had mentioned that she hadn't seen one that she liked yet. In reaction to her dress, I said "You know that dress matches my jacket and shoes, right?" and she replied "Yeah, but I didn't think you would mind. Do you not want me to wear it?" This is after she gushed about how much she loved the dress before showing it to me. I did mind, but feeling like "I know white is claimed, I can't claim all the colors in the rainbow," I told her it was fine. I've already decided that I'm not going to ask her to return it and I do love her, she's a great friend, so I don't want this to be a "thing." Is there any delicate way to be like, "you know it's weird that you..." without making her feel paranoid or sh*tty AND making me feel like I expressed myself/got it off my chest? I don't want her to return an expensive dress when what she's wearing does not matter in the scheme of things, but I do want her to admit that she's a total weirdo on this front. Any advice on that one? Am I just being crazy?L
I really want to have your back on this, but L, I can’t. Sorry to break it to you, but royal blue is really not an uncommon color….like, at any given wedding someone will be wearing it. I mean, had you picked lime green as your color of choice and she busted that out, then fine, I’d be a bit more suspicious, but blue is REALLY common. And L, the fact is you already dropped some passive aggressive science on her ass and she didn't get the hint, so for your own mental stability don’t waste any more time getting worked up about it.
Here’s the deal: I know you want this day to be special, I know this is the one goddamn day you don’t want someone to f-ck with you, but I promise all eyes will be on you. And someone wearing the same color as your, ahem, accessories is nothing to sweat over. Need I remind you that you will be the only one wearing a big ass white dress, with big ass flowers, sitting at some big ass table as people say really nice things about you…if all that doesn’t trump her royal blue dress, then I don’t know what does.
So just let it go and concentrate on throwing a kick ass party, because at the end of the day that’s what people will remember.
(Attached - I googled “crazy bridesmaid dresses” and this is what came up. Can you imagine?)
Hey Sasha, I'm a 21 year old girl living in the middle nowhere in the Deep South, I just moved here 4 months ago after living almost 20 years in South America at the moment I'm living with my uncle and my aunt while I wait to ship out to basic training for the military. Here's the situation while I'm waiting for my ship date I'm working at a restaurant in town and I met this great guy and we've been texting and this week we went out on our first date. Of course I had a conversation about him with my aunt and the first thing she asked was "is he white?" the guy I'm seeing is African American and she went on how I don't need that kind of trouble in my life (its needless to say that we're also a minority and it's seem stupid to me that they'd be so close minded) and that my mom and my uncle (her husband) would throw a fit about me dating a n* and how she couldn't tell me what to do 'cause she's not my parent and how I had to tell my mom or she would, so the next day I called my mom on skype like I do every other day and I told her about this guy and she was shockingly cavalier about it and didn’t mind about it at all, I don't know how to approach my aunt now without coming of as a disrespectful brat that challenges their opinion(at the moment they are paying almost all of my expenses) and I'm freaked out 'cause I don’t know how to let her know that I'm going out with him again. What should I do? Thanks A
I know people like your aunt and uncle exist, but wow, it’s always so surprising and sad to hear that in two thousand f-cking eleven, people still think this way. Look A, the unfortunate reality here is I don’t think you have the power to change their point of view, but you do have the power to set your own views.
I mean, doesn’t everyone have that one family member that you violently disagree with? Lord knows I do, and just because they’re family doesn’t mean I have to shut up and agree with them. So A, I think it’s time for you to learn your first big lesson in life:
STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE.
Never kowtow to someone else’s beliefs, especially when they are f-cking wrong and hateful and disgusting. If this guy is a good dude, then do not throw it away, do not hide it, and do not let anyone disrespect it. I’m not saying you should shove your relationship in their faces every time you go out the door with him, but by no means should you stop seeing him because you don’t want to ruffle any feathers. A, you know it and I know it – your aunt and uncle are being straight up racist, and that is nothing you should get behind.
So here’s what you need to do: Tell them that you do not share their opinions on African Americans. And moving forward you’re not going to let them force those opinions on you. The end.
Look, I wish I could tell you this is going to be an easy problem to solve but it’s not and A, the important ones never are.
Hi Sasha. Basically the background of this story is that I moved to another city to try out a relationship with a boy, we’ll call him Tonto. Tonto and I had a great relationship and he was a wonderful boyfriend. My life in the new city was tough due to the economy etc but we pushed through our struggles together. Then we had a really traumatic experience in that we discovered my roommate (and good friend) after he had committed suicide. Obviously our worlds were turned upside down and I ended up moving home to regroup. Following our experience our relationship was really hard and I felt I needed to be alone to try to sort through everything I was feeling. Due to extenuating circumstances I broke up with him over the phone and we went our separate ways. He moved away and I stayed in my hometown. Things have been plugging along since. I have a good job, great friends, and have been enjoying being single and sorting through my feelings. To a certain extent I think I’ve been riding the denial train, especially around the dissolution of our relationship. I’ve also been going with the flow, kind of treading water waiting for something to get or feel better. I think that overall I’ve coped really well with what I was handed. So Tonto and I started texting occasionally a few months ago. I feel like there is some major unfinished business/loose ends that I need to tie up with him. In addition to that I feel that he has an understanding of my situation that nobody else can. I find myself wondering if he and I could help each other heal in certain ways nobody else can. I also recently received a message from his sister telling me that she still believes he and I should be together. All of this is relevant because there is an upcoming opportunity for me to see him and his family. Unfortunately, it’s only for one night and they have a bunch of other people they also need to see. My problem is deciding whether I should go. I don’t know if it’s a good idea because we will be in a group of people, albeit all of whom are our mutual friends and a very safe place. I don’t know if I should go and just see where shits at or wait for another, better time, even if that means waiting another six months to get some answers. Thanks for any help you can provide. C
My answer is short and simple: YES! If that’s all you get from this C, then please just take that away with you.
Obviously things between you and Tonto ended on some pretty intense terms, but I think enough time has gone by that seeing each other in person will provide some great comfort to you both. It doesn’t have to be anything more or less meaningful than that, you know?
Breaking up is always one big f-cking ordeal, but it seems that the two of you have some serious unresolved issues, not only from a relationship stand point but from an emotional one. You guys went through some heavy sh-t together and I think this is the perfect opportunity to work a few things out, or at least have it be a good starting point for some things to be worked out.
We could go back and forth about all the things that could happen when you see him, but you won’t know until you’re there, so C, clear yourself of any assumptions and expectations and just GO!