Confronting players, meangirls, and breakups
Written by Sasha
Roughly four months ago I met someone, I'm 22, he's 28, and he was definitely more experienced than me. A little background first. This guy is extremely successful, owning his own business, and has been able to travel the world. He's a Vegas regular, and when not he's working his main hobby is clubbing. Knowing this about him, it was easy to play it cool and stay not-too-attached. Throughout the initial phases of our courtship, he continually 'tested' me; blatantly checking out waitresses, letting me know he has no problem getting girls etc..I know how it sounds, like this guy is a douche, but it honestly never came across that way. The big test was when he went to Cancun for a week, and when he came back I was cool as a cucumber, which is when he asked me why I wasn't jealous. He then said that he was astonished because he's never met a girl like me before. So after that initial testing me crap, we managed to get very close. He called me almost every night before he went to sleep, texted me whenever he could, just essentially wined and dined me very extravagantly. It was always wonderful and incredible fun, and we managed to learn a lot about each other. He was a genuine guy, funny and warm. It was about a month ago when I realized how much I was actually beginning to care about this dude, and apparently he felt the same way. It was about a little over a week ago when he called late at night, saying that he was sorry but his ex-girlfriend had contacted him wanting to talk things over. I managed to hold in my tears and tell that it was cool, that I didn't want to interfere and adiós. I'm still heavily hurt and confused by all this, but I'm proud that I've been able to keep my dignity so far by not calling or texting him even once. Here's the thing though. In about 2 weeks there's a very strong possibility that we'll be at the same Christmas party. He will probably be with the ex.I have been going over several scenarios in my head as to how to act when I see him. I could shout his name and then give him the finger, or I could take the high road and acknowledge him politely and coolly. Sasha, I'm at a loss and I need your wisdom on this one!! S.
I feel very violent after reading this because guys like this are dog sh-t to the bottom of my shoe. I don’t know how it got there but what I do know is that I need to get rid of that stank ASAP.
S, first things first. I hope that you know that no matter how you acted, this guy would’ve never known how to be in a monogamous relationship with you. He’s that guy who always thinks there’s something better out there and can’t figure out if he wants quality or quantity. And I’m sorry, but his ‘testing’ was a bunch of bull sh-t. I’m not questioning that what you had with him wasn’t real but that crap was purely for him to have the best of both worlds.
But having said that, damn, S, you need to write the book on how to stay chill. I’m glad you didn’t flinch during his wack-ass games. More women should take your cue.
Which leads me to my advice…..
Absolutely keep the same status of cool when you see him at the party. Be nice and play it up like you dun give a sh-t. Say your hellos, smile and then carry on your way in a confident manner - quick and simple. And don’t look back, symbolically or physically. I know all you’ll want to do is sneak quick looks, but please try your best not to. Because he cannot have an inkling that you care! And one extra word of caution: Please for the love of god, don’t drown your sorrows at the party, you gotta stay level headed or this plan will go to sh-t. So promise -- keep it to three drinks MAX. Okay?
Now to the serious part of Operation Sweet Mutha Fu-king Revenge: Make sure you look hot. I want you to reek of sex. I don’t care if this means making a major dent in your bank account - a killer outfit is a must! And for those of you who think this is a dumb idea and far too much effort for a loser like this – you’re wrong. There is nothing better than looking drop dead gorgeous when your ex is in the room. These are the moments that make life worth living.
So the outfit better be tight and here’s hoping there’s some boob action but of course don’t look like a skank – channel your inner Blake Lively. I’m also not one for creating body issues here, but can you please steadily hit the gym over the next two weeks so that you look and feel your best. And if you need any fashion advice - Lainey and I will help you. I’m trying to convince her to lend out her Brian Atwood shoes….you need them, right?
Please keep us posted - I’m now eternally invested.
Dear Sasha, I originally wrote you a letter because I was confused about situation with my boyfriend. We’re currently in the dreaded long distance relationship in separate European countries. I’m stuck in this vicious cycle where everything is great when we see each other but then I start to fall out of love with him when we’re apart, and then it starts all over again. After reading the letter I was going to send you, I realized that I should break up with him and I was just avoiding the uncomfortable decision. However, that being said, I’m going to be seeing him in two weeks at Christmas (with his entire family!). The trip has been planned for a long time and I’m quite close with his family. I obviously don’t want to break up with him on this trip but how soon after should I do it? I won’t see him for at least a month after trip and I also don’t want his family to think I used them to go on this great destination. I’m afraid that after the trip I’ll get stuck in the cycle again and not have the guts to do it. We won’t be living in the same city for at least another year and I don’t think I can really go on like this for that long. He’s a really great guy and has never done anything bad to me. Everyone tells me how nice he is but I just don’t feel the same anymore. I should be quite lucky to be with him but it’s just the sort of situation where he’s a great guy but not great for me. Please don't tell me that I should break up with him before the trip because I just don't think I can be the girl that ruined Christmas. SM
SM, look away because you’re not going to like what I’m about to say. I’m sorry to tell you this but you need to break up with this guy before you leave. It’s just the decent thing to do.
This has obviously gone on long enough that you know your feelings for him will not be rekindled after this trip. And if that’s the case, don’t lead this poor guy on for any longer. I’m sure there are people who would be in favor of you sucking it up and putting on a happy face for the sake of this vacation but who feels better because of that? Only you. You’re only avoiding this because the idea of breaking up with him makes YOU feel uncomfortable. And I don’t mean to hammer the point home, well yah I do, but if this was really about sparing or protecting his feelings you would have broken up with him a long time ago.
If I knew you were strong enough to go on this trip and then break up with him the week you got home, I’d maybe let you do this but you’ve already admitted that you don’t have the balls. So if you think he’s a great guy and you respect his feelings, then spare him the bullsh-t and let him go. It’ll sting a lot, he’ll be very sad and he might even hate you for a while, but that’s normal.
Listen, we’re grown-ups. It’s not like we’re 8 years old and Christmas is some big ass deal. It’s just some f-cking time off of work so to be quite honest, it’s probably the best time to tell him. He’ll actually be able to get his mind wrapped around the situation, plus, he’ll have friends and family around to help him through it. SM, you gotta pull the plug and you gotta do it STAT.
Here is the short version: There is a group of us who have been friends, thru our children, for about 8 eights years. Within the larger group I was close friends with 5 women - very close, until 2 of the women decided that they didn't want to be friends anymore with me. I was cool with it all, you know I thought that at least we would be adult and say hi when we passed by or inquire about our families when when we saw each other, it hasn't happened that way. My two ex-freinds have frozen me out, I mean they look the other way when they see me. The last time I saw the two of them was at my friends house and there was a small group over for a barbecue. They shut me out the whole night, I mean they didn't even look my way. It was awkward and obvious to everyone who was there but I just ignored it because I was at friends house and didn't want to say anything. That was over a year ago and I have not spoken to either one of them and I am fine, however we have all been invited to a large Christmas party that I was really looking forward to attending until I saw their names on the list. I feel like not going to the party but my other friends want me to go and my husband wants to go. What should I do? They make me feel like sh-t when I see them and I never know if I should say hi ( they often don't respond) or be a bitch and ignore them.......what would you do????? AB
I feel like I’m missing a piece of the puzzle – do you know why they phased you out so abruptly? And did you happen to catch Whoopi on Oprah a few weeks ago? (Quick background: the two haven’t been friends since their Color Purple days due to some apparent beef.) Now, they both claimed that this ‘beef’ materialized from the ether which I call major bullsh-t on - as if they didn’t totallllyyyyyy talk smack about each other over the years! But I do see how it’s very plausible that over time their words got twisted and blown out of proportion, which goes to show how broken telephones can easily damage a relationship. So AB, I’m wondering if this is applies to your situation? Do you know where or what your beef stems from?
Either way, I guess my point is that I think it’s important to find out why they mean-girled you because there might be some reasons as to why they have such a hate on for you. From there you can figure out if you care to confront, apologize or just really move on all together.
Now, if these girls are simply bitches, you should act civil towards them. Saying hello doesn’t mean that you accept defeat; it just means that you’re not going to stoop to their level. If you play the bitch card then it will only reaffirm their dislike for you, and to be honest being a bitch makes me feel dirty. It’s not a game I like to play. Now, obviously I’m not saying act fake and throw out air kisses. I just mean be normal and remain positive - let them stew in their own petty sh-t stew. Hold your head up high and have some fun!