Not “in a relationship”, loving my bf, ignored

August 22, 2011 11:09:00 Posted at August 22, 2011 11:09:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Written by Sasha


I have been with my bf for 5 years now and have lived with him for a year. My issue is this. He is in a band (I was with him long before this band thing came along so no I’m no star f*cker) he has a habit of adding ‘fans’ to his fb page but then deleting them (the females) from his news feed so I don’t see if I am on his page. Now I’m aware of your POV on the fb world VS the real world and that’s basically his POV too. BUT I am really bothered by the fact that he refuses to list himself as “in a relationship”. I’ve asked him a number of times…to even just put that he’s in one, he doesn’t have to say with WHO but he flat out refuses stating that the important people in his life know he’s with me and the rest don’t matter. On top of this I am not “allowed” to use a photo of us as my profile picture or make any statements regarding us in any way. He states it invades his privacy which he is a HUGE fan of. So Sasha, if this were YOU, would you be as pissed and as hurt as I am? I’ve told him numerous times that it looks SUPER sketchy. By all accounts (well online anyway) he appears single. He was like this before the band thing started too, so it’s not exclusive to that scenario.

Oh I should also add to this that every guy I’ve dated seriously has been a cheater. So there is a bit of a trust issue to begin with and he is well aware of it. Yet does little to quell any anxiety I may have about this issue. Thanks KD


KD, both you and I know that making your relationship status known on FB isn’t going to make you guys stronger nor will it make you trust him more, right? But if you’re asking me how I would feel if my homie flat out refused to change his status, ya, out of principle, I would be pissed.

But you and I are in different relationships and here is why….

My man isn’t trying to get famous. And from someone who’s in this weird world of entertainment I can say that the idea of your boyfriend keeping his relationship status a mystery is actually a strategic move he needs to make.

Look, young girls and gays are the reason why people become famous and in order for that to happen, boners need to be poppin’ like a P-Diddy Alize party.

Do you actually think any of the members of NKOTB were allowed to say they had girlfriends when they were just starting out? Hell to the NO. Celebrity is based on imagination, and if a 13 year old can’t imagine getting their grind on, then like, why bother investing the money in the posters to make-out with. Now, I can hear some of you yelling that I’m wrong because why do we love Ryan Gosling during his Rachel Mcadams Notebook days ….well, that’s different because we fell in love with the BOTH of them. See?

Now, obviously once your man gets to a certain level of fame, he’s “allowed” to spill the goods, but really, KD, until then, it’s not in his best interest. Do I think that sucks? Yes, but that’s why I would never date someone who was trying to be famous. But you are, and that’s the reality you’re going to have to get used to. And I’m not even going to start talking about all the vd toting groupies out there…

So here’s what I’m sensing….I feel like the FB thing isn’t really the issue. There are obviously some other things he is doing, or not doing, that are making you insecure. So if I were you I’d drop the FB issue and really zone in on the things that are lacking in your relationship and focus on fixing them. xx


Hey Sasha, I'm a 22 year old gay man living in Toronto with a bit of a predicament. I met C about a year and a half ago at a bar the night before I was leaving to break up with my long distance boyfriend. However, when I got back from the breakup, C and I immediately started sleeping together. Slowly, C became besties with myself and all my friends, even moving into the same neighbourhood. After C and I decided that we were just going to be friends, we continued to hang out 24/7, and became known as a pair. Both of us being fairly attractive tall young men, we often went out to the bar together and went home with different guys, then calling each other in the morning to discuss last nights hookups etc. I thought it was the perfect friendship. At one point however, C began a long distance relationship with a guy who I basically avoided ever meeting or discussing, as I was slowly realizing my immense amount of feelings and dependency for C. He and this guy didn't last too long but I still cannot forget how crushing it was to hear about him dating anyone but myself. The weird thing is when he or I go out to a bar and meet a guy, I know it's only ever going to be a one night stand and it doesn't bother me in the slightest, however, the thought of him dating anyone would kill me. While this is all being said, I also feel like despite my obvious feelings for C, I don't think he and I would work as a couple and would never want to broach that subject as I would fear it could put a strain on our friendship. So basically, I'm stuck being best friends with a man who I'm in love with yet don't want to date. I wish I could pull a vampire diaries and switch my emotions off. The fact that he is part of my tight knit circle of friends also means that if I were ever to stop hanging out with him to try and get over these feelings, I would also risk losing all my friends as C and my friends are all mutual and I would never ask my friends not to hang out with him. What in the hell am I supposed to do? I need these feelings to go away as I become severely depressed thinking about him being with another man yet I don't want to be with him. I want us both to be single and just do the whole one night stand thing. I know I should wish for him to be happy and I feel like we both deserve that, but I cannot be happy with the idea of him being with anyone.


A, you might not like what I’m about to say but wait for it…. I think you’re being selfish. Hear me out. If you truly want to be a good friend then DO NOT get in the way of your friend’s happiness. Ever.

It would be one thing if you wanted to pursue something more serious with C, but that’s not the case, so you need to ask yourself why you’re putting yourself through all this unnecessary emotional drama. I get that when you’re single there’s nothing better than having a partner in crime: Someone to drink with, someone to cry with, and someone to make sure that you don’t drunkenly give your number to a cabbie and have him stalk you for an entire week. Oh, not you? Right, that was me. Erm, that was a real bad phase.

Seems to me that what you have with C is a faux boyfriend. You see it all the time, especially when girls fall in love with their gay guy friends. They become so co-dependant that when the person finally moves on to a REAL relationship they feel like they’ve been broken up with.

However the weird thing is C isn’t even in a relationship right now, so why in the world are you letting yourself spiral into some depression? Look, if you don’t want to be with him then it’s not fair for you to bar him from being with someone just because you don’t like it or that it’s going to foil your dranking and skanking plans - that’s not cool. And dare I say jealousy might be a factor in all of this…are you not ready for him to find someone before you are? Because I’m pretty sure if you found a man tomorrow, you wouldn’t give two sh-ts if C was with someone or not.

A, I know I’m dishing out some tough love right now but you’ve got to hear it. Look, you have two options here

a) Figure out if these love feelings are really in love feelings which you’re too scared to act on – in which case bite the bullet and try being in a relationship with him
OR
b) Stop pissing around C like he’s your territory

My best advice for you right now is to just chill out and enjoy the friendship. Rad people are hard to find so why would you ever want to throw that away? Keep going out together, meet new people and get your swerve on.


Hi Sasha, I have a friend who I think is now a former friend and I can't just let it go and move on. This friend and I met while working together and we were fairly close. After I left the company, we stayed in touch and got together a few times to hang out and catch up. It wasn't like we were talking every week or anything, but we kept in contact and we always wished we could get together more in person. I didn't hear from her much over the holidays this past year, but I got a Christmas card, and so in January I gave her a call to say hi. She answered and was super happy to hear from me, saying over and over again how good it was to hear my voice and how we needed to get together again. She was working late, so she said she'd call me back, but if I didn't hear from her in a couple of days, to give her a call. In the meantime, I got diagnosed with a medical condition that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life but that many women don't talk about. It took me a couple of weeks to wrap my head around that and come to grips with it. I didn't hear from my friend, but I didn't call her either. Once I had my head together, I sent her an email explaining VERY briefly what I had gone through since we last spoke to explain why I didn't call earlier. I didn't want to freak her out with too much information, so I kept it very short and simple and said I was feeling better about the situation and would love to catch up with her and hear all about what's going on in her life. I haven't heard from her since. I called her about a month ago as a sort of last ditch effort in trying to contact her and haven't received a call back.

I feel like that email deserved some sort of response, even if the topic made her uncomfortable. I just can't get over this complete silence on her end. I feel like I did something wrong by even mentioning my medical issues, but I thought I'd tell the truth instead of making up some excuse for why I didn't call. it feels like a punch in the gut. Since I can't make her talk to me, I need to figure out a way to not let this bother me so much anymore. So, Sasha, how do I stop obsessing, suck it up, and focus on the friends I have who do talk to me? G


Yes, G, move the f-ck on. If you have to beg someone to be your friend then that’s no friendship. And jeez-us, if this girl didn’t have the time to pick up the phone after she heard what you went through, then she can eat a dick. Really.

G, I gotta ask….do you feel guilty or something? You seem to feel bad for not calling her back after you got sick – say it ain’t so. Let me relieve you of the anxiety. You should not feel bad, you should not doubt how you acted, and you should not second guess ANYTHING. The bottom line is this girl didn’t step up to the friend plate and that’s on her.

Of course I get why you’d be hurt and I get how frustrating it would be to not know why she dropped off the face of the earth. But life is too short and sweet to waste your time on someone who isn’t wasting theirs on you. So stop festering over something that you have no control of. You were obviously putting way more effort into making this friendship work and she was just a plain ol’ flake. So let it be, wish her well and move on.

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