They tried to satirise Twilight on Gossip Girl on Monday. It would have been more clever if their fake Robert Pattinson wasn’t ugly. However “Patrick Roberts”, or Pat-Ro has Michelle dubbed him, was sickening. Wanted to throw up. Ew. He’s also not an open mouth breather. This is an important attribute when casting for Pattinson clone.
The Speakeasy episode featured a few clever lines and a convoluted plot that has no place on the UES. Please. Too much detail about the liquor licence and the this and the that and what? Why should I suddenly be required to THINK during Gossip Girl? Absurd.
Why is Jenny Humphrey?
They have to pay her so they keep writing for her but it’s like they don’t give a sh-t either. And Vanessa can disappear for entire episodes. We don’t miss her. But don’t get your hopes up – V is still around. She was on set earlier this week, as was Taylor Momsen.
Am attaching screen caps of Serena’s breasts because, well, because. That’s the shot of the cardigan covering them up. Duana said it hid her power. Heh.
Gossip Girl Weekly
Duana: chuck took a good long time with that kiss.
Michelle: E is still dreaming about it.
Duana: I need to make vests happen for me.
Lainey: i'm fixated on james franco right now. Like it's bad. BAD.
Duana: well, he's your age so I'm saying nothing
Lainey: i mean we're having conversations in my head now.
Duana: Sidebar - promo last night at the movies included Clare Danes as ZAC EFRON's love interest
Michelle: Oh my x 2. For E and for Rufus' Kiss pumpkin
Duana: Oh, Rufus - you're so useless!
Lainey: i love white pumpkins!
Duana: Is Lily endorsing an eating disorder in Jenny?
Michelle: what was the point of that scene? to give Jenny some lines?
Duana: We're the huddled masses trolling for deals!
Lainey: she needs a mother. They all need mothers.
Duana: Blair is beautiful. "Either make me kiss a girl already..."
Michelle: I was just on TripAdvisor last night. She'd hate me for that.
Lainey: good lines so far. Promising episode?
Duana: t-shirt slogans a-flying
Michelle: Chuck's improved hair is making me understand your lust for him.
Duana: oooohhh Michelle!
Lainey: don't start on the dan love again this week.
Duana: Was everyone's libido just deflated by Dan's hair?
Michelle: But at the same time, I'm enjoying Dan and Nate's bantering so maybe my judgment is off.
Duana: "A couple of weeks, it's getting serious." I love 18 year olds.
Lainey: like you said, dating doesn't exist anymore.
Michelle: Ah Patrick Roberts?!
Duana: Who HASN'T skewered twilight this year?
Lainey: heh. Endless Nights. What's that in real life?
Michelle: Pat-Ro doesn't have the same ring, does it?
Lainey: Serena's dress. WANT.
Duana: HAHAH! In TORONTO!!!
Michelle: I just realized Casey is Blair grown up.
Duana: There it is!
Lainey: James Franco reference!
Duana: James Franco underwear - E is gone.
Michelle: Tell me what he says about it.
Lainey: Laura. She f-cking cockblocked me from James Franco and i still can't forget and forgive.
Duana: I didn't understand one thing Jenny said. Or who she is. Or why this is happening.
Michelle: Du - do you think they purposely cast three brunettes for her to rule over?
Duana: Yes. And didn't choose any minorities for her to feel sympathetic about. Yeah I said it.
Michelle: I miss Nelly Yuki.
Duana: This is deep, hilarious HoYay!
Lainey: what is V considered?
Duana: Orgasm as designated by floating in the air! Buffy the Musical reference!
Lainey: is this some kind of Twilight homage? WTF?
Duana: Buffy buffy Buffy!!!!
Lainey: don’t insult Buffy. This is the GG parody of the Kristen Bella and Robert Edward. LOVE.
Michelle: Why is Nate funny all of a sudden?
Duana: f-ck off with your V neck and your 'a couple of days', Dan
Duana: Is this Blair's dorm? Her house? Where? Serena is living where?
Michelle: It's Casey's office.
Duana: You're right, that is a dress for you, E.
Duana: Blair, injured in a cardigan.
Michelle: She is able to be pretty and angry at the same time. That would be a challenge for Serena.
Lainey: oh look - non white person!
Duana: HAHAH I love that Chuck ONLY has speakeasies on the brain
Michelle: Oh no, Du is going crazy over Blair's outfit.
Duana: OK, so Blair has yet to go to school, right?
Michelle: Apparently Serena's new job is the new Met steps? Blair can hang out?
Duana: OK Rufus is a bit insane.
Lainey: rich people trick or treat?
Duana: Within their buildings.
Michelle: Do you think Rufus just realized they don't have friends?
Duana: Does Rufus actually....have a point? Vanya just got his greencard.
Michelle: So can he and Dorota get married?
Lainey: polish wedding - best food.
Duana: OK are we assuming this is Johnathan? Is this the 9th actor to play him?
Lainey: this is the worst, most contrived story line. just because they have to keep paying momsen?
Duana: Do you think their starbucks yogurts are from Dean and Deluca?
Michelle: Let’s go to NYC to find out.
Duana: So Hilary comes to Dan's house, instead of him going to her DORM?
Lainey: why is hil dressed like a cougar?
Michelle: But he was "sick"
Duana: Then again, if they were in their dorm, Vanessa would literally film them while they 'cookie jar'
Michelle: Ew - where is V anyways? Getting layers?
Duana: They are having a plot about fake Robert Pattinson? Are you serious?
Michelle: But the Twihards must be talking about it therefore making GG more relevant?
Lainey: since when do twihards determine relevance?
Duana: Since when does MK go to anything Serena throws?
Michelle: I like the "lying soundtrack" that plays when someone stretches the truth.
Lainey: how long before Serena starts her own PR agency?
Duana: hahah. plinka-plinka-plinka
Duana: remember three weeks ago she was being stalked by paparazzi?
Duana: Where do you get unmarked bills? Like if I needed some.
Michelle: VDW PR
Duana: Wait WHAT? Can someone catch me up?
Michelle: i. can't. handle. this.
Duana: Lily is wearing camel.
Lainey: the walk is worse than the clothes.
Duana: This is the sign of a marriage on the brink
Lainey: for the first time i am happy my dad went bald at 26 and accepted it
Michelle: This is the sign of lack of story lines.
Duana: Oh man, this is not good.
Michelle: See! She misses Vanya!
Lainey: more minorities! In service positions!
Michelle: Sometimes a pedicure is a foot-bothering, no?
Duana: i want one box in my life that looks like that. One.
Michelle: I'm distracted by Serena's outfit. Could her skirt be shorter?
Lainey: breasts! BREASTS!
Michelle: The co-stars are baaaaaack.
Lainey: how is that body possible? HOW?
Duana: In sateen!
Duana: Are they...firmer than they should be?
Lainey: Jacek says "definitely fake titties. They're too rigid."
Michelle: I don't know if I want to know his experience with fake titties!
Lainey: he's an expert.
Duana: jenny is evil!!!
Duana: Oh, Serena has a cardigan over her power.
Michelle: They're screaming for attention.
Duana: So by being good to him she's been horrible to him? Once again, 45 year old relationship problems for TEENAGERS!
Lainey: he wants to be his own man Duana.
Duana: I really thought Serena was going to say "I'm working". How stupid of me.
Michelle: Seriously - Leighton is a good actress.
Duana: Oh....black and white and a flugel horn.
Michelle: Sepia last week. B&W this week. What's next?
Michelle: Did you notice how they had to remind us that Nate and Serena are fighting?
Duana: I'd forgotten so I appreciate the reminder...
Michelle: Dear writers, please make Dorota and Vanya get married and have Blair organize the wedding.
Duana: Blair pouting chess to herself is the best.
Duana: What are those, orange lilies?
Michelle: i think cala lilies
Duana: No way. Upper East Side children would have real-hair extensions for their costumes.
Duana: Is this...who is this?
Lainey: Duana, please throw a speakeasy party soon.
Duana: I’m on it.
Michelle: Yes please. I was really born to be in the 20s.
Duana: ME TOO. Can't you just see M in a mantilla like this?
Lainey: i'm too squat for flapper dresses.
Duana: So wait, what? Why would Jack ? Huh? What?
Duana: I'm old because I don't understand their code.
Michelle: I think Jack gave him a fake liquor license.
Duana: I got that much.
Lainey: paparazzi, call, what?
Michelle: So now he's going to call the cops to bust the club.
Duana: But what did he do outside that what? Why is Eric in a dealer's visor?
Lainey: why are there details on this show suddenly? i object.
Michelle: I think Chuck is calling them himself.
Duana: Guys, this is like a contractually obligated pot about how Jenny is pathetic and Eric has no friends. And yet.
Michelle: Bad casting for Pat-Ro.
Lainey: Seriously, Pat-Ro is making my life.
Duana: Wait, that wasn't even Serena's dress? That was just her day dress, that sateen thing?
Duana: Ew. Faux-Rob is ew.
Lainey: EW. EW!!! worse than that Aaron AND that other guy. Who was the other guy? with too much foundation?
Michelle: Oh the fake husband!
Michelle: nice one E.
Duana: Cops are notorriously the worst actors on earth. Also, isn't everyone in this club underage?
Michelle: Wow. Good point.
Duana: Sorry, why is Blair telling her oldest friend that she and Chuck are made for each other?
Duana: Oh, I guess i get that this was a friendship thing. Except NOT AT ALL. Also, this is a whole plot? It IS.
Duana: Taylor Swift shoutout! Something for everyone!
Duana: Anal sex reference! Something for everyone!
Michelle: I have a plot line idea - Rufus and Lily make friends.
Duana: Nobody knows who Bruce Jenner is, team.
Duana: I can't - Dan's kisses are weird.
Lainey: why can't he keep his tongue to himself? It’s television for f-ck’s sake. Enough with the realism.
Michelle: So if Serena got the fake R Pattz, does that mean Laura could have had the real thing at Cannes?
Lainey: Laura was a chicken sh-t and I had to sit there watching her do nothing for 2 hours.
Duana: "We need to focus our duplicity on others". There it is!
Lainey: you taking notes for the t-shirts?
Duana: Dan wishes he were Dick Tracy.
Michelle: Blair and Chuck just need their own show.
Duana: Oh, thanks for explaining where Vanessa is in the sixth act, writers.
Duana: Jenny is Courtney Love.
Duana: I don't want to watch these two anymore.
Michelle: Make it stop.
Duana: Remember when Eric was blonde, adorable, and in the sanatorium?
Michelle: Seriously, her breasts are magnificent.
Duana: Patrick is ugly.
Lainey: Pat-Ro is sickening.
Duana: He only comes up to Serena's boobs.
Michelle: What happened to Georgina?
Duana: She went off with the prince, remember?
Duana: Because that was applicable.
Duana: Serena's HEMLINE!!!
Michelle: It's like Serena's playing chicken with herself.
Duana: Can we please do my hair like Blair's soon?
Lainey: next week. when i'm there.
Duana: Is Hilary having sex in pajamas ? Or were those her sheets?
Michelle: I don't want to think about it.
Michelle: Wait. Didn't Jenny just assume the throne last week?
Duana: Annnnnd cue rebellion.
Duana: What will she wear, plaid?
Duana: Oh, that's a great idea, Jen. Ditch the one thing that made you original.
Duana: She's living in Serena's room!
Duana: I feel like we were on an acid trip. WTF was that episode?
Lainey: what's this supposed to mean? my brain shuts off for this show. Pretty clothes, pretty clothes, why is there a plot?
Duana: Where does Serena sleep, under Casey's crypt?
Michelle: I feel like everything and nothing happened.
Duana: That's this entire show!
Lainey: i just lost possession of the tv.
Duana: Oh, and steps/yogurt/siblings!
Lainey: and Rufus.
Lainey: just rufus.
Michelle: And is it KC or Casey?
Duana: Oh, Gossip Girl, what have you done to me?
Duana: On Degrassi the boy Jacek loves is KC
Michelle: right now jacek just loves the fact we're done so he can watch the hockey game
Photos from Wenn.com