Whatever Humphrey she can get
Written by Duana
Previously on Gossip Girl, Serena was really into how much ex-sex Blair was continuing to have.
Serena said she’d wait for Dan for ‘As long as it takes” and then couldn’t wait long enough to hang up her phone.
Everyone yelled at Juliette so she did the logical thing and ran straight to little J. Buckle up, y’all!
Someone’s making a Venn Diagram! I’m going to love this episode. I love Venn Diagrams for everything ever.
Oh, it’s Eric and his latest squeeze. Am I supposed to know who he is? Oop, his name is Elliot. Serena is all “I have to make this decision based on coloured pencils?” She admits she’s basically a bad person and can’t make decisions.
Lily! She acts like a mother for once and yells at Serena for skanking around because now it’s all over the Post. And they have to go to the Dean. Why does her mommy have to go with her?
Dan’s all “Come hide with me, S”. Nate shows up and their hair argues with each other about who’s better at loving a woman who doesn’t love them back. Vanessa raises a baby finger to manipulate them and they fall into each others’ arms kissing.
Well, close enough, Dan’s wearing a sweatshirt with nothing underneath.
Blair and Chuck put his suit on, back in the amazing position of taking over the world together. He’s all “You’re glowing”. She’s like “Yeah, orgasm. And not the makeup.” Seriously, you guys?
Chuck talks Blair into going out with him because he has a reservation somewhere she wants to go. She nearly, you know, Nars blush-es again. Blair yells at Dorota not to judge her for sleeping with Chuck but I’m sure it makes Dorota’s life easier.
Meanwhile, Chuck didn’t have a reservation! He got one for Blair! Awwww!! This is going to end in bloodshed, amirite?
Lily is still being a good mother! She’s irritated with Serena who swears she didn’t do anything wrong. This is killing me. The Dean is like “this is a big bad problem” and Lily promises right-quick to make a big bad donation. The Dean is like “Nope, Serena’s being kicked out. Anywhere but here.”
Lily gets all up on her high horse and says Serena is the victim and doesn’t get to be exploited and I don’t care what any of you say, Blake/Serena is LUMINOUS in this scene.
Dan and Nate discuss how much they love the pretty blonde Barbie. While they play basketball. They just basically say ‘let the best man win’ and Nate is like “pssshhh, I’m rich, remember?”
Lily and Serena get home and Lily stops just short of grounding her and I LOVE her parenting so much! But then Jenny shows up and Serena has to go puke.
Jenny notices Serena hates her, but it might be her seethrough skinny blouse. Jenny’s all “I have information on Juliette”. Lily actually uses the term “Juliette’s reign is over”. Jenny swears she would never have taken down Serena now, and then blithely walks over to S’s phone and tells Juliette and Vanessa it’s on.
Dorota brings tea to Blair and …Nate’s mom? Sure. She wants Blair to start being the head of a female empowerment organization. But apparently the relationship with Chuck is an issue. Wacky transition!
Chuck bitches at an assistant who tells him to make his B&W ball a “Chuck Bass” ball. She’s all “be the hedonist everyone loves to hate”.
They both convince whoever they’re talking to that they aren’t into each other. WACKY.
Juliette in her depressing apartment. Jenny lounges on the bed. Vanessa stares at Jenny’s ass. I’m beginning to think she’ll take whatever Humphrey she can get.
It hardly needs to be said, but Momsen looks AWFUL. Honey, please please eat something with colour! Juliette stares vindictively at Serena’s mug shot, then says we’ll all be working for little J someday. That I buy. Jenny did some voodoo with Serena’s phone. Juliette is pleased. Vanessa is useless.
Serena comes home to hear Blair and Chuck lying to each other about why they can’t go to dinner. They take two seconds and then basically fall into metaphorical bed. Serena reproves her, Blair’s like “I BE FINE”. She enquires after Serena’s love life, which – I didn’t know she had time.
Funny Big Love banter, then Blair offers to lend out Dorota. These rapid-fire Blair-versations followed by Serena blandly whining are really exactly what the show is.
Dan and Nate are going to each plan their own date with Serena. Jocular banter. That’s really all you need to know.
Vanessa and Jenny are still lying around at Juliette’s. They interrupt her texts from Blair, from Dan and from Nate. Nice that Jenny doesn’t care about messing with her brother at all.
Blair and Chuck are in foreplay and talking about balls, and I really wish they’d stop talking and just let me watch. This show turns me into a boorish teenage boy. Blair’s underwear looks more like a bikini.
Oh they’re still doing it. Fast hands, fast cuts. Moaning. And then Chuck said “I love you”. Shiiiiizzz. They pretend he didn’t’ say it so that they can keep going.
Juliette and Lily at tea, in front of the Prada sign and the chair I love. Juliette says “You wanna eat, you have to work”. Which is pretty amusing. Lily tells her to quit it and Juliette obeys only the letter of the law, since she’s sure Serena has slept with other profs, like at boarding school?
Lily smiles all tight, and is like “How much for you to shut up?
Serena is making love to a couple of dresses while Eric and Eliot watch. Now Chuck is having a sinners and saints party. Serena looks for something else to wear as Juliette shows up. Your mom is paying my rent!! Furrowed brow.
Dan calls Vanessa as clouds roll in. YEAH NO KIDDING. Vanessa lets Dan dig his own grave. Jenny is heartless.
Nate calls Chuck, where’s S? Chuck doesn’t really care. He wants to talk about how he said I love you. Nate implies he knows what girls think, know, or like.
Blair hilariously turns a conversation about caviar into Chuck’s ‘I heart you’. Dorota reads romance novels. Blair equates saying she loves him with never running foundations, and I love her SO MUCH.
Serena and Lily confront each other. It’s impressive that Serena can have this confrontation without pants. Lily is like “you are a terrible person, Serena, remember?” S storms off, dignity more or less intact.
Oooh, lobster pot pie. And cheesecake in a pot! Chuck sent the food to Blair. The chef is like “I don’t know what this show is. Can I go?” B literally stripsdown to her red slip and heads out the door. Do you all know where to buy nice slips? Michelle and I love them. And they’re hard to find.
Dan and Nate stalk Serena outside her apartment. She’s annoyed, and they’re like “Midnight or bust. Pick one”. She looks like a mosquito is circling her.
Jenny exposits that Blair being mad at S will make it a Hat Trick, since Nate and Dan only count as one person. Juliette tells Vanessa to do her dirty work, and Vanessa’s all… “how”? Sigh.
UM, GOSSIP GIRL JUST MISPRONOUNCED “CAROlyeNA HERRERA”. WTF?
Jenny is so bored hanging out with these two. But she tells them she’s going to whore them out to make Serena choose Nate? Or something? I dunno.
OK a masquerade, do you think they just recycle these shots from season 1? Chuck’s party is at a church. Jenny and Juliette are dressed in hoods like the priory of scion. Then Juliette ditches hers for a dress and a mask.
Party. Pretty regluar-masquerade-esque. Juliette gets in on Serena’s name. OK, this is mildly hilarious. Jenny – with a WASHED FACE!! – is wearing the exact same dress as Juliette and both have their hair done the same way. They’re pretending to be her. Oh, the giddiness!
Vanessa’s irritated by her less-fun job at the board. Juliette hilariously tells her to take more initiative.
Blair yells at faux Serena-who’s-really-Jenny. Faux-rena walks away.
Rufus and Lily bitch about Serena. He’s like “What’s the problem?” and Lily explains “Serena totally banged a teacher at her boarding school”. The following is verbatim: Rufus: “Boarding School? But Serena was just a kid!” Lily: “Serena was never a kid, believe me.
Anyway, whatever. Back at the party, girls kiss. I know, risqué. Juliette-Serena kisses Nate. But anyone who looked at her cleavage would know it wasn’t her.
At the door, Eric and Elliot and Serena try to get in and they totally make a liar out of me by tamping down her cleavage. Nice work, costumers! Serena’s stuck outside.
One of the Serena’s kisses Dan on the mouth, which makes me hope it’s Juliette for obvious reasons. Okay, it was. Other faux Serena is upstairs, watching Chuck and Blair go upstairs.
Blair calls him on the I love you. She gives him the out, and he’s all “I can’t speak or I will turn into flames around you”. She turns into a weird pink blush of love, and he’s like “Say it back already” and they do, and then Jenny’s messing with wires, and that’s OK, and they’re revealed!
Everyone knows they heart each other! And “Fau-rena” did it! But then C & B kiss super-hard. YES. Then GG shows that Faux-rena kissed Nate and Dan. She has pics!
I wish real Serena would just go home to bed. She’d be happier. Try some Szechuan chips, S, they’re lifechanging.
Party. Ann Archibald is all “You’re kissing Chuck in your underwear? Not cool”. Ann spoons some anti-feminist nonsense, with a side of “Serena’s not the kind of girl we want either”.
B’s off on an S rampage. Juliette’s putting like ipecac or something into her mask. Perfume?
Dan and Nate confront Serena on the complete and total farce that is tonight. They both leave her. Juliette switches her mask. B is like “you wanted the head of the foundation? Everyone’s a liar but you?” It’s so ironclad and good and bad. B is mad at her.
Eric is like “Don’t leave, yo, I love you.” She blatantly tells him it’s not enough.
Chuck’s assistant KC has a super-nifty mask on and says that Blair is the balance of Chuck’s evil side. Blair’s ready to start to pout…she waks away. Doesn’t want to just be Chuck’s girlfriend.
Serena, in her terrifying cyanide mask, is passing out. Juliette throws her in a cab and gets in too. IS THIS MELROSE PLACE? So scared of what’s going to happen. I want you all to remember this was all as a result of Jenny Humphrey.
Outside, C and B debate the fact that she doesn’t want to be Hilary Clinton. Or the right kind of Hilary Clinton. Chuck says “Brad and Angelina take turns on top”. But B says she needs to be Blair first. They love each other. This is adorable.
Jenny, still clean faced, sees Vanessa. They can’t find Juliete. She messes with phones, withdraws S from Columbia.
Chuck is Sad. B reads romance novels. Nate and Dan walk along like a couple of chorus boys from “Guys and Dolls”
Lily is sad that S pulled out of Columbia. She and Eric agree there’s nothing to be done. Serena is passed out on a bed somewhere creepy. I’m afraid. Blame Jenny.
Photos from Jackson Lee/Splashnewsonline.com