GOOP does Alba a favour

June 1, 2012 15:10:14 Posted at June 1, 2012 15:10:14
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
Dave M. Benett/Getty

Consider it her month-end charitable donation.

But first...

Let’s sh-t on Gwyneth Paltrow for her language. Consider the first sentence off the top of her most recent newsletter:

“A few weeks ago, I saw a friend of mine's kid wearing these super cool skull and bones diapers...”

I hate “a friend of mine’s.” It’s so sloppy. And it sounds horrible. And in this case there’s an easier, MUCH easier, much cleaner way of saying it:

A few weeks ago, I saw my friend’s kid wearing these super cool skull and bones diapers...

You would think this kind of lazy editing is anathema to what we know of the Gwyneth Paltrow standard. Then again, that would mean that she actually spends time thinking about these introductions, instead of hastily typing them on her blackberry once a week without even bothering to re-read before hitting “send”. I suppose whoever pretends to proof them doesn’t want to f-ck around with the all-sage G’s wise words even if they make her sound decidedly middle class. What could be more insulting? 

On this occasion, perhaps Gwyneth cared even less. Because despite the problem in the opening sentence, what I do love about Gwyneth’s greeting is how neutral she is about this particular fellow celebrity. I mean, we’ve all read enough GOOPs to recognise when she’s namechecking and associating, when she’s telling you who her friends are, and, at the same time, reminding you the kind of people who get the privilege of knowing her.

It’s obvious, isn’t it?

Jessica Alba is not her friend.

They may be acquainted, but they’re certainly not close. Alba doesn’t get invited over to the London house to eat pizza made from one of the two wood stoves in the backyard. She isn’t backstage with Beyonce. She just has the wrong credentials, you know?

Which is why Gwyneth sounds almost disinterested in the whole piece. Even more telling, there’s nothing personal to it. Gwyneth only heard of Alba’s The Honest Company through another friend. And she doesn’t bother calling her up and asking her about it. All of it is handled through intermediaries without the GOOP personal touch.

This is the Gwyneth I love so much.

No one is better at making someone feel like she’s doing them a favour. No one is better at making clear the difference between a favour and affection. It’s the upper class c-nty way of saying, “You know this doesn’t mean we’re friends, right?”

Click here for GOOP’s profile on Alba’s non-toxic baby products which...as IF Alba wouldn’t drop the diaper bag the minute she was offered a new movie role. Not that that’s happening a lot these days so I guess that’s the point. Why does Patrick Whitesell even rep her anymore?

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