People Magazine & The Jake Gyllenhaal Conspiracy
June 1, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at June 1, 2006 12:00:00
Long time readers of my column know my views on Jake"s maybe gaybe status. And while I don"t think he"s Toothy Tile, it doesn"t mean I"m 100% convinced he"s straight. We have debated this to death, and you can refresh your memories here. I know it might be tiring for some, but I"m telling you I am so on the fence with this one, it"s pathetic. And I"m a Libra too. Which means I spend the better part of my days vacillating about the following 3 issues: 1. Breast reduction. Hate mine. They don"t go with my body. I want to be a board. Concave works too. Then again, I"m not down with the cutting off of the nipple part. So every 10 minutes, I change my mind. 2. Repainting my apartment. I can"t decide if my walls are too light. It"s a barely there shade of grey - not offensive but not exactly decisive. In a word…boring. Then again, I"m too lazy to use up a weekend to redo everything. So every 10 minutes I change my mind. And finally 3. Whether or not Jake Gyllenhaal prefers men. Because other than Ted Casablanca"s Toothy Frenzy and the subsequent interest this has elicited any time he is ever seen with a penis-clad human being, there haven"t really been any legitimate reports of undercover faggage, unlike the Eddie Murphys and the GMDs and the Vin Diesels of the world. So every 10 minutes, I change my mind. But something happened today that has me puzzled. It was this seemingly innocuous photo and caption on the People Magazine website that got my smutty sense tingling right away. Because the photo is like 5 days old and it"s been on every blog in the gossip universe. More importantly though - it stinks of an obvious "plant". And while People is by far the most reliable in terms of confirming news or releasing "officially sanctioned" statements, these strong relationships between the magazine and the flacks can sometimes lead to calculated spin, carefully choreographed moves orchestrated by the stars (or their management) themselves. Here"s what People suggested about Jake and Natalie Portman: Is something brewing? Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal are all smiles after eating at an English pub in New York City"s West Village recently. Reps for both actors have no comment on the status of their relationship. Naturally, everyone and their eyebrow stylists will probably start buzzing. Jake and Natalie? OMG! They are, like, SO cute together!!! Indeed they are. And I would love nothing more than to see them coupled. But the problem is - as People Magazine probably knows very well, in addition to almost half of Toronto - Natalie Portman is with Gael Garcia Bernal, not exactly hiding their relationship while she was shooting Mr Magorium"s Wonder Emporium there up until a couple of weeks ago. According to my sources, it"s not a secret in the entertainment industry, with Natalie admitting to it recently but refusing to discuss it further during press for V for Vendetta. From what I hear, it"s a mature, grown up kind of love. She was filming, he came to town for some editing work so that they could be together, and they lived together in a rented waterfront loft during their stay. And believe me gossips, this scoop is as slamdunk as it gets. So the question remains: is it possible that People Magazine - with reporters and freelancers everywhere - would not know about this? Of course not. But the recent photos of Jake and Natalie were probably just too tempting for Team G to ignore. And the mere suggestion of a romance with someone so adorable and so clearly suited to him would surely throw off those homo hunters, non? The question therefore is why??? Is he really straight and just wanting further emphasise it? Or is there actually something to hide??? And please don"t tell me it was an innocent play on words by People. This is a magazine that won"t go anywhere near rumourmongering. Which is why I"m so intrigued by the transparent little slip. How "bout you? Did this ring your smutty bell???