Guys who don’t want us & friends left behind
Written by Sasha
Hey Sasha, I reconnected with this guy I know from high school. He lives back home which is in the Caribbean and I live in Toronto. We would bbm, skype and fb. He told me that he had a crush on me in high school but was too shy to say anything. We started flirting and talking it felt good. I decided to go home for xmas and made plans to see him. I got home and we hung out xmas night all day boxing day. It was going really well when all of a sudden he starts telling me about ex-girlfriends and one of them is a girl I was friends with in high school He said he was considering getting back together with her and I was kinda shocked. While we were at dinner she texted him so i was like let’s go by her place I want to see her. He hesitated for a minute but ended up taking me to her house. It was a bit weird because of what he told me earlier. The following night all three of us went out that was even more strange so while we went to park the car I decided that I would find out what was going on. She tells me how they've been talking about getting together since 2006. I was completely shocked she has a child he spends quite a bit of time with them. He was at her house for xmas lunch. They had sex the day before I went home. I felt soooooo stupid. We confronted him but of course nothing he said made any sense. He says one thing to me but another to her. I've come home now but I still think about him. I liked talking and flirting with him. I'm confused HELP!!!!!!!!!! av
Damn, midway through reading your email I thought for sure you were going to tell me about some dirty three-way action. Oh well.
But back to the situation at hand. AV, there’s really nothing to be confused about because it’s pretty simple: dude isn’t down with your cause the way you want him to be. Sure, he might like you, think you’re hot, and want to stick his dick in some orifice of your body, but that’s as far as it’s gonna go. If you’re looking for a relationship, it’s not looking too good and the fact that he lives in the Caribbean puts a nail in that coffin.
Now, I don’t want you to feel stupid. How were you supposed to know he’d be so useless? But you will start looking stupid if you keep hoping and thinking that something will come of it. What you’re feeling right now is rejection and because that feeling sucks so bad you’re misinterpreting it as ‘missing him’ or liking him’. Trust me, that’s all this is. And I know it’s hard to process because he talks a good game but if buddy’s not showing you the goods - bounce.
I really wish I understood why girls (including me) get suckered into sh-t like this. I remember I was dating this guy that I was super into. After a month of bliss he straight up d-d-d-dissed me. He had invited me to see him in Seattle (I was in Vancouver). He called me up, told me to pack my bags, and look up bus times because he’d call me RIGHT BACK to figure out the plan. Cut to – no phone call. Brutal, right? BUT still, even after that highly embarrassing event, I still tried to convince myself that it could work, like, maybe he forgot how to press buttons on a phone (#notjokingthatactuallycrossedmymind)?
So why do we want to be with guys that blatantly show us they don’t want us? Honestly, I have no freaking idea, but I can tell you that after this experience, I got a clue and promised myself I would never let anyone dick me around like that again. So AV, it’s time to tell yourself the same thing; you won’t waste your time on someone who won’t waste their time on you.
I know you like getting your flirt on but flirting is only really fun when you either know you can, or might be able to have, that person. And in your current situation dude’s not biting, so where’s the fun in the flirt? All I’m saying is if this guy really liked you, you’d know, or at very least he wouldn’t be f-cking your friend the day before you leave. So my advice is to keep looking for a quality guy and preferably one that’s in your area code.
Dear Sasha, I’ve been secretly dealing with a dilemma for quite some time. I have been with my partner for a number of years. Our lives are very normal and I feel very comfortable with him. He makes me laugh and I think we make a good team. We have been talking seriously about getting married in the near future. You're now probably wondering what my dilemma could possibly be. Well, I think I might still have some serious feelings for my ex. I dated my ex a few years ago for while. During the time, we had a great relationship. However, we broke up because he left to go overseas and it didn't work out due to distance and the fact that we were young and he didn't have his life figured out. Anyway, he still currently lives overseas but his family is still here, so he comes back. When he is in town, he'll contact me and we'll go out. I always have a great time and it further re-affirms my attraction to him. In order to try to keep this platonic, I never go out of my way to speak to him or ask him to go out. He usually approaches me. Also, he hasn't dated anyone since we split up, and he does not ask me about my current relationship, but does ask other people we mutually know about it. I have never told him or anyone about my feelings, nor have I asked him how he feels. I guess I feel like I'm going though a sliding door effect (yes like the Gwyneth movie). A part of me wants to move on with my current relationship, but a part of me is always wondering what if. However, my ex may have moved on and have no feelings towards me whatsoever. Please advise. Thanks, AA
Damn AA this is messy. Obviously I can’t make this decision for you, you’ll have to really work out those feelings on your own, but hopefully I can steer you towards an answer. The first thing I really want to know is if your current man knows you’ve been seeing your ex? If he doesn’t, the first thing is you have to stop being shady. It might be too late to fess up to it now, but if you plan to see your ex again, you have to tell the truth. You’re already in an emotional hole as it is, so don’t make it any worse for yourself.
You bring up the ‘what if’ question and I think it’s a very common thing people ask themselves when they finally start settling into a relationship that could be THE ONE. I’m not going to lie – it’s a pretty f-cking scary and confusing time. When I started seeing that man who’s my now huzbie, I was still ending things with my ex. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do because a) I was going to be a bitch to someone no matter what and b) I couldn’t separate the feelings of what I wanted vs. what I needed.
So AA, you need to think realistically about your ex and to do that you need to stop thinking about all the good sex, the fun trips, the funny times. Instead go back to why you really broke up. As you mentioned the distance was a factor but I think the bigger deal is that he didn’t have his sh-t together. I mean, not having “life figured out” falls into a big category, so you have to clarify what that means. And do you think he’s worked out all those kinks? And what are you going to do about the whole long distance factor, AGAIN?
To me it sounds like you’ve just hit a little bump of boredom in your current relationship, and you’re sneakily getting kicks from your past. This not only chips away at the integrity of your current relationship but it’s just going to confuse you more. I’m a very strong believer that an ex is an ex for a reason and the reason you get rid of someone is because they just weren’t the right fit, no matter how great of a person they might be.
But I’m also a sucker for some Romeo and Juliet (the ’96 kind), so maybe it was just the wrong time and maybe there is a chance that your ex is the right one. Sienna and Jude, anyone?
AA, I wouldn’t want you to live in regret…BUT….
To get to that decision here’s what you’ll need to do. For the next 3-4 months you should have zero contact with your ex. Instead, re-focus your attention on your current relationship and really try and figure out if your boyfriend is the right one. Make up your mind about him first, before you start getting wrapped up in someone else. So that means if he’s not for you, break up with him and then - and only then - pick up the phone and call your ex.
AA, keep me posted on how this all goes down.
Hi Sasha I am having a bit of a friend dilemma and could use your advice. My good friend and I met when we were both in serious relationships and we would have dinner parties and double dates. Over time we became close friends and would spend time together without our boyfriends. Then she broke up with her partner because she wanted to get married and have babies right away and he wasn’t ready. We became closer through her breakup and I did my best to support her and she seemed to be happy. About 6 months ago my boyfriend split up too. It was really messy and I was a wreck. And I could not have asked for a better friend that her. She took great care of me and would visit me every day whether I was in a good mood or not. There were days where I wouldn’t even talk I was just so upset and she would just sit with me. I pulled myself through and we became “fun single girls”. Recently I have started dating a new guy. He is wonderful, treats me like gold and loves that I have girlfriends and encourages me to have “girl time”. My friend has not been so understanding. She is freezing my out and I am not sure why. She is doing the same thing to a friend of ours who recently got engaged, so I know it is not me personally she is upset with. She will start to tear up in the pub and refuses to talk about what is wrong. I have tried the gentle friendly tactic and I have tried to be a little more forceful to try to get to the root of what is troubling her but she refuses to let us in. The other night I ran into her and she ignored me. She talked to the new guy I am seeing but pretended I wasn’t there. It really hurt me. Until then I was happy to let her try and sort her issues out but now she has crossed the line. Do you have any ideas on how I can help her?? Or do I just need to give up on her?? Rs
RS, your friend sounds like she’s got a bad case of relationship envy. And although it’s not fair of her, I get where she’s coming from. You guys were each other's wing-women and it gets tough when one person jumps off the single train. So my guess is she’s probably feeling lonely and a bit abandoned, topped with the fact that she’s bummed not to be in her own relationship. But having said that, your girlfriend needs to get a grip; we all know the rule, when your friend is in a new relationship they get a free ‘you’re lame’ pass for at least 6 months…. didn’t she get the memo?
As for what you should do. I wouldn’t give up just yet. But you should have a really honest conversation with her – not at pub or a party but somewhere where it’s just the two of you alone. You have to get down to what’s bugging her specifically because I suspect that if she’s pressed to think about it, she might see that her actions have been irrational. Obviously, be understanding and sensitive, but be strong in your stance and make sure to express how often she’s rejected your efforts. If she still doesn’t open up then I think maybe it’s time to let her ‘be’ for a bit. That doesn’t mean shut her out, it just means giving her some alone-time to chill out and come to her senses.
The thing about friendships - the ones that really matter - is they should be as low maintenance as possible. So if your friend is currently having a blip in her sanity, then as her good friend you should allow her to do what she needs to do. You don’t have to agree with it…..you just have to be waiting on the other side when she comes to. While I admit your homegirl is being annoying I’m sure she’s sucked up her fair share of your crazy in the past. Having said that, you have to gage how you really feel about her -- if she’s spewing too much toxic waste then I’d fade her out. But to me this situation sounds like she’s just looking to feel appreciated and validated as your friend again, so here’s hoping that after you have a heart-to-heart, she’ll snap out of it.
Photo from Alberto E. Rodriguez/Gettyimages.com