Nearest Oscar Misses: Wiig & Rudolph

February 27, 2012 15:04:21 Posted at February 27, 2012 15:04:21
Duana Posted by Duana
Photos:
Kevork Djansezia/Kevin Winter/Ethan Miller/Michael Buckner/Getty

Is it going to be obvious that I haven't slept if I say "Wiig & Rudolph" sounds like an animated show I'd like to see?  

These guys just make me feel so comfortable. Everyone else at the Oscars is arguably a crazy Hollywood person. I look at these guys and I go “OK. You're my people. We're going to talk about this all later, right?: (Note: in order for this to work you have to forget that Rudolph is a friend of Gwyneth since, like, birth. Just put it out of your mind).

Okay, so these are my girls. We're friends. I'm secure in the knowledge that all the snarky things I was thinking came out of their mouths at some point, just like they know that I gotta be truthful where the dresses were concerned. So close, and yet not. I would like to believe this is because self respecting comedians would have to kill themselves if they used stylists, but I'm probably wrong.

Rudolph came really, really close to being my best dressed, because I almost loved the dress, on her and, if I'm being honest, for me. The colour of the fabric just set off her hair beautifully. But her boobs were so trapped in there, yearning to be free - I just wanted to dart in with a pair of scissors and snip one small slit in the centre, fold the edges in, voila. The dress fit her perfectly but with that extra few inches of fabric on the chest, especially when you're well endowed, it can look like your chest is a cast, an undefined wonderland of mysterious bumps that can crop up at any time. And I just want better for Maya than that.  

Kristen Wiig doesn't have that problem. Kristen Wiig has a problem by which she can only see dresses that range from nude to putty to dirt.  But at the risk of damning with faint praise, it was the best of all the putty dresses she's worn. Still - can you imagine it in the coral Michelle Williams said she was wearing? Or a real citrusy tangerine? Wouldn't that be great? I could even just dye the dress by degrees, periodically, so Wiig wouldn't notice. Right? That's not crazy, right?  

Now she has time without having to wear a gown for months, so she can reflect and debate whether it would be easier to change her hair and skin tone, or, you know, just pick a dress with a hue next time around.

This has been "dressing friends who don't know you", with Duana.  

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