Slum Love at the Globes

January 14, 2013 22:40:48 Posted at January 14, 2013 22:40:48
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
Jason Merritt/ FREDERIC J. BROWN/ David Livingston/ Getty

She had to bring him. She had to. She could not face the Afflecks alone.

I don’t understand why.

If I’m JLO, I’d face the Afflecks alone every.single.time. Especially in this dress. No, I don’t like this dress. In fact, I think it’s a gross dress -- much more typical of Zuhair Murad than Marion Cotillard’s last week. But she’s pretty much naked in this dress. That’s the idea, isn’t it? The idea is to show off the body and to tease everyone else with strategically placed lace snowflakes to camouflage the mystery areas...only, well, Ben has seen all those mystery areas.

This was like a reminder. As IF he could ever forget. Those mystery areas.

So you see, if she had come alone, it would just be her, Ben, her mystery areas, oh yeah, and his wife. Please. She’s ahead already.

The minute that Slum Bear shows up though, well, it’s like holding up a sign over her head that reads “my mystery areas are spending time in the dumpster these days”. Yes, he used to work part time at the car wash but now I’m the f-cking idiot who made him Creative Director of my goddamn tour. At least Madonna keeps her toy at the dancer level, you know? Madonna understands that sharing her bed is enough of a bonus, she doesn’t go and PROMOTE the backup dancer, Jesus.

Mrs Affleck is laughing at that. I promise you she is laughing. Not that she doesn’t have her own problems but chill, we will get to that in minute. Right now though, she is laughing when JLO and her waiter-bear are joining in on the standing ovation too. Look at this fool with his fool face clapping like he knows about film. Look at her giggling into his eyes on the carpet. And then...

Look at her looking miserable arriving at the after-party (she changed into a black dress). Is it too much to hope that what we’re seeing here, at the end of the night, is self-disgust on top of disgust? I am very familiar with this feeling because over 80% of the people I dated were vile. So I know the moment -- the moment you realise, the smoke clears, or you put your glasses on, or you are sane again, that that person you’re going home with is vile...

I would love to Photo Assume that that’s what this expression is but she usually isn’t so lucid until she’s married them.

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