Porny’s pregnant Halloween

November 1, 2011 11:39:02 Posted at November 1, 2011 11:39:02
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
LOMELI/ Bauer-Griffin

Jessica Simpson officially officially announced on her website yesterday that she and that freeloader are expecting. Apparently she’d been planning it for a while. Even put together a special “mummy” Halloween/White Snake video photo shoot.

How about the fact that it took a gag costume for her to finally find her waist, something she seems to ignore when she waddles around, dressed by herself. You see how flattering it is when she’s clothed to her proportions? That might be a tacky ass outfit, but at least it actually fits her properly. And please, 100% this was designed by someone else. Don’t be ridiculous.

But I can’t with the fiancé, I really can’t with this guy...

Like, I know we’re all not Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie but goddamn, the way he looks as Larry Bird, and his pants the other day when the two of them were photographed out in Beverly Hills, it’s like... he’s stopped trying. And you know why he’s stopped trying? Because he doesn’t have to try anymore. He doesn’t have to go to Wharton anymore. She’s given him the motherf-cking jackload. And she isn’t asking for anything more.

It is enough that he loves her. Or pretends to. It is enough that he wants to be with her. Which is the grossest chicken soup bullsh-t that’s been pushed on us over the Oprah years. That love alone is enough. Is it? Not for me. You should love me but if you stop improving, or wanting to improve, I don’t think I’m going to want to love you back. And that’s not so much a matter of how I value you, that’s a matter of how I value ME. Now take that bra and whip it around.

The good news for her? He’s so f-cking lazy he’s found a permanent parking spot. This guy isn’t moving. And at the age of 30, I don’t think she’ll ever wake up one day and realise she did herself a disservice. Great. These two will make it. The advantage, I guess, of genetic stupidity.

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