Lindsay Lohan’s meaningless SNL

March 5, 2012 15:43:25 Posted at March 5, 2012 15:43:25
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
WENN

I was at a junket on Saturday waiting with other reporters when the subject of Lindsay Lohan came up. Almost everyone agreed that she would be solid that night on SNL. And then we disagreed on whether or not it would mean anything, lead to a career comeback.

There were 6 of us. Curiously, both Canadians were of the opinion that even if Lohan was awesome, it still wouldn’t make a difference because her face is now too far gone to recover, to put her in contention for any significant roles beyond “prostitute junkie sister who helps main character escape”. Is this about a limitless capacity for forgiveness or is it about our need to see redemption, to prove it exists, so that we might believe it’s possible in case one day we become desperate too? Is compassion basically a selfish emotion? I’d rather be having that conversation than this one...

Because as it turns out, it didn’t matter. Lohan was not awesome. Lohan was barely there...

In recent years, if you host Saturday Night Live, you either want to be part of the digital short, or you want to make an appearance on Weekend Update. What does it say about Lindsay Lohan that she was in NEITHER?

Andy Samberg couldn’t find a way to put her in his video. Seth Meyers didn’t want her anywhere near the news desk. And, frankly, she wasn’t really the lead in any of her sketches either. A strong host drives the material. See Daniel Radcliffe who indisputably took the lead on almost all of his sketches. Lindsay Lohan was relegated to the background, always a supporting player...who could barely get her lines out.

Many of you are pointing out the obviousness of her reading her cue cards. Yes, totally. But there’s reading and then there’s delivering. She flubbed her words THREE TIMES during the Scared Straight sketch. And I’m convinced it has to do - at least in part - with the fact that she can’t talk through her f-cking lips.

Her mouth... Jesus... in profile they’re like hooks; you could hang a coat off of them. And you’ll note that when she speaks, it’s like her words have to cross a barrier first before they can be released. She’s created her own verbal blockade. It’s so f-ckin’ weird watching someone speak through the obstacle of their own lips.

I wonder if the writers, if they just gave up this week. If they realised that it wouldn’t matter this week. That Lohan is such a spectacle, quality wouldn’t be an issue. Or...was it because she didn’t actually spend much time there, preferring instead to make the rounds on every talk show in New York, that they threw their hands up like, fine, we’ll save all our good jokes for next week...

And so what now?

Nothing. The same. She wasn’t good enough to change anyone’s mind. And she wasn’t bad enough to make anyone want more in the way that they can’t get enough of watching disasters, wrecks, and accidents. This is how you know it’s done now. When you exist in the no land between good and bad, when Daniel Radcliffe out-goods you and January Jones out-bads you, that can only mean it’s over.

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