Ted Casablanca knows everything

February 5, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at February 5, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Bow down to Ted, y"all. Because he called the Locklear/Sambora split and the Crow/Armstrong break up way, way before anyone else. Have to tell you…while I couldn"t give a rat"s ass about Heather and Richie, my bitchy heart is rather hurt over the demise of Lance and Sheryl. They grew on me. At the beginning I was like "get your dyke anorexic ass off my man, bitch!" but then something happened. She started looking younger. After all, the combination of Botox and great sex with a younger man is almost foolproof - just ask Demi Moore. And who can resist a girl who suddenly looks 10 years refreshed? Speculation on what went wrong? Well…although I love him, the fact that Lance is an asshole is also undeniable. Ask his ex-wife. Said it before and I"ll say it again - it is ALWAYS about Lance. And my best guess is that after a while, after giving up on gigs like Live 8 to prioritise HIS sh*t over hers, Sheryl probably asked for some slack, and rumour has it, he gave it to her. In the form of distraction and flirtation OFF of her tourbus. In spite of all this, she looks to be holding up pretty well if not a little too gummy, as you can see from her modelling gig at NY Fashion Week on Friday. As for Lance? Not to sound like a bitch but if he doesn"t get back together with his ex-wife Kik, I wouldn"t mind having him for myself. On the Freebie 5 that is. Sure, he might be a prick, but I never said I wanted a nice guy anyway. About Heather and Richie? I have no idea what the root cause for separation is. In fact, the only juicy bits I have on these two are the same reports that everyone else has heard about wild and free party behaviour during the Melrose days, many moons ago. First - a delicious rumour about the two of them getting dirty down and uninhibited at a soiree in the hills one night, f*cking their brains out in front of a room full of revelers. And then another titillating tale of the two of them making sweet love in a corner at a cast and crew season finale gathering, not shy about the audience or about inviting thirds and fourths to join in. Like I said before, the stuff of Hollywood legend. But considering that he"s a rock star, soft or not, and that she"s a b-list at best, permanent tv star who did spend 7 years married to Tommy Lee - is this really surprising? Seriously though, enough about them. In the grand scheme of gossip - Heather Locklear barely registers. Let"s focus instead on the splits to come. Because the breakup virus is clearly, clearly making its rounds. Who"s next gossips? And does anyone know of a Divorce Pool I can enter?
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