Gossip Girl on STDs
Written by Duana
Previously on GG, Blair didn't want Serena to steal her fun at Columbia. And Chuck hates Blair because of Fleur. And Juliette's brother wants to take down some girls. And I have a snack so I'm ready to go.
Serena and her shorts get their cab stolen by a random dude and his date. She raises her voice! I'm so proud of her!
He sends his date in a cab and tries to ask S for a drink, then inexplicably calls her a size eight. To...offer her shoes? No way, either way.
Blair and acolytes colour code fabulous women. S and B catch up like they don't live together. S is late, so B snarks about clocks and looks uber thin in a cute dress.
B says Chuck is allergic to school so the more she does, the better she is. One of her minions looks longingly at her. S tells her to "sign me up" for a class, as ...
Rufus and Vanessa have a romantic morning. Under the guise of which she says everything is fine. Why is he trying to parent? Just kiss already.
Dan at Nate's. Who moves a soccer ball in front of a pool table, like, we get it. Balls. Dan is wearing weird dirty clothes. Nate explains he's having sex that night and thus denies Dan a hug.
Nate tries to make fun of Dan but it doesn't work all that well.
Juliette in jail. Tells her bro good news is S has no boyfriend. She counts on Blair "getting distracted". Bro is all "you liii-ike Naa-aate". Then reminds her they agreed to take S down.
Columbia. Pretty! Blair gets snippy with an aide and is rewarded by Chuck, in grey! He blithely promises to ruin B's life, as usual, again. Also, he's building a rotunda.
S gets text. V puts up a picture of her and Dan. Oh shiz...gossip girl says Serena has an STD now. Which, aren't we supposed to call them STIs?
B ignores Serena's crisis to whine about Chuck. Blair's going to be someone's assistant, and Serena says she is basically lazy, especially in the place of Blair.
Nate tries to justify that he is clean, but Juliette makes him go get tested before they DO IT. Why are boys never worried about this?
Dan and Vanessa, of course, got tested immediately. She considering being insecure, but not so worried she won't chomp on her gum.
S, courtyard. Juliette, smarmy. S accuses her, she bats it away. Then is all "Nate thinks you're dirty". Plus something about school, so we pretend we go here.
Dan talks about cotton swabs, Nate cringes. Then S begs Nate not to get tested today. Cause that's responsible !! He tells her unless he's sleeping with her, then...bye.
Blair, trying to get in to be the assistant to the Martha Stewart NRA professor she worships. But the assistantship has been filled! Guess who? No, guess. Smarmy smile...
Chuck makes a pie reference that is in no way about pie, if you know what I mean.
Blair and Serena. Designing women colours. Serena is going to meet her prof. Blair’s prof comes over. Blair offers her a date, and she jumps at the bit. Dorota teaches us the phrase 'plausible deniability' and is generally hilarious.
Cab guy again. He and S flirt. He leaves the building every day at this time so he can see her. Creepy?
Upper East Side. Dan whines to Rufus about how Serena's vag is the talk of the town and it’s making Vanessa mad. Rufus can't hear of his darling V being maligned. Tells Dan he has to love her better. Sing it, Rufus.
All these people are like "but I just slept with Serena last spring" or "I didn't do it with her this time" as though STDs expire. Quit it. Play safe, y'all.
Vanessa yells at Serena, who is less concerned that she's being accused of being dirty and more that she missed her professor's office hours again.
Chuck has plied the minion Blair amused the most. That was easy.
Speaking of, Nate and J can't do the deed because it will take four days for test results. Bummer. Unless of course they can hack into S's phone to find out whether she emailed someone about it. Which...sort of the same as a doctor, right?
Juliette tells her brother they are ready. Nate's a scapegoat. Then decides crazy, crazy Vanessa is a better target. Why is J so very, very 40 years old?
Party with 80's beats, and B confronts S about why she skipped the meeting with her professor. Obviously because S doesn't care. Vanessa shows up wearing a colour my mom calls 'depressing'.
Juliette coaches idiot Vanessa to steal Serena's phone, then steals said phone for her own nefarious purposes. Vanessa is too charmed by talk of nookie with Dan to see Juliette gank said phone.
Vanessa, by the way, is an idiot. Juliette has to tell her guys don't want to talk, because she is one minute old.
Professor lady is highly impressed by Blair's ability to pretend delivering a phone message isn't beneath her. That is, to deliver a sexual partner.
Vanessa and Dan talk about all the sex they're going to have. Dan is the only man in the world who says "I'm confused, I thought you wanted to talk". Please.
Blair accidentally sets up her boss with a lesbian, though she tries her best to make it work, which gets her dumped instantly after a crack about Twitter. "My class is full - forever"
Serena blindly walks into Juliette's trap, and raises a vague eyebrow at the idea of being expelled for offering sexual favors. Not so subtle, Juliette. Nobody really believes either side of this stupid plot.
Nobody thinks Serena has an STD anymore? She talks to the prof and the Dean.
Hamilton house. Vanessa recaps the whole last segment while accusing Juliette. Vanessa’s backbone arrives for one second and she tells Juliette she's telling Serena about the phone.
Blair and Chuck argue about who they're going to take down via illegal visas and ménage a trios scandal. This makes Blair's prof quit, whilst saying "you students are psychotic"
Vanessa races over to Serena to bail her out, then is neatly framed by Juliette... Nate ZOOMS into frame to back up a lie J tells. French Farce! Juliette's all "tough beans".
So now Serena is virtually expelled for basically being anti feminist. Go Dean! S tells B Juliette clued her in to V's treachery. B is bored.
Juliette cops to being jealous of Serena, and also to being jealous of the 10 years of youth that S has over her.
B goes to yell at Chuck. They are equally crazy. Bass says he's just warming up to ruining her life forever. Hearing this turns Blair on, also, she implies she will indulge his psychotic tendencies. He says he'll ruin her via Gossip Girl
V has parents to stay with? Who knew? Dan tells V he's tired of her not believing him. He should have the right to flirt with S as much as he wants. V grits her jaw really really hard.
Dan’s sideburns look stupid.
Serena, in a bar, with a Caesar. Oh wait, no, a "Red Snapper". Cab Dude comes in, all "you're out of my league, so what? Talk to me!" Serena explains her past follows her to a place with expensive books. Exact quote. Dude doesn't apologize for his past.
Gossip Girl reads me her chemistry homework.
Ben-in-jail is irritated he even has to learn Vanessa's name to understand this week's ep. Juliette promises to take Serena down, then has some black-lingerie sex. Chace's biceps earn their money.
Bass basically installs Jenny at Parsons, the better to irritate Blair with. Although the teeny marigold by his collar does just as good a job.
Attached – Katie Cassidy shooting Gossip Girl last week.
Photos from Wenn.com