Porny Crack

February 10, 2010 12:17:00 Posted at February 10, 2010 12:17:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Best. Interview. EVER.

Sure, he’s a vile pig. We’re at rehearsal right now for Olympic Morning, and I am laughing my ass off. Not because that mother-cker isn’t a sick bitch, but because it’s just another case of douche spew coming out of his mouth. Who else can entertain this way? Every time he speaks it’s gold. It’s covered in semen and piss but it’s GOLD. And he loves it. This is a new brand of narcissism. Even in a vain town, even among raging Hollywood egomaniacs, John Mayer is a cut above. John Mayer beats down everyone.

And Jennifer Aniston dated him.

But first she had to live up to Jessica Simpson’s all-star f-cking.

I call her Porny and apparently, Porny she is. And now, courtesy of John Mayer, the entire world knows about. Think about every asshole who has ever told the school that you made out at Billy Toodle’s house party. Think about how embarrassing it was in class on Monday. And now think about Jessica Simpson, who keeps tweeting about God and values every day, think about what she’s facing now. My poor Porny! But clearly he can’t forget about her.

"(Jessica was a drug). And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just f-cking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f-ck you, I would start selling all my sh-t just to keep f-cking you.”

And then he goes on to discuss his breakup with Aniston. There are no salacious revelations where she’s concerned. But that doesn’t mean it’s not insightful.

"That woman would never use heartbreak warfare. That woman was the most communicative, sweetest, kindest person."

And she’s Fabulous at 41! And she’s tanned. And tight. And blown out every day. And STILL he couldn’t stay interested...


So isn’t that the big reveal? Jessica Simpson was so sweet on his cock, even when he was dating Jennifer, Jennifer couldn’t make him forget.

As for what’s next, and who’s next:

"I'm going to say (I’ve had sex with) four or five (after Jen). No more. But even if I said 12, that's a reasonable number. So is 15. Here's the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops. I hate being the heartbreaker. Hate it. If I date somebody and it doesn't work out, it's another nightmare for me. From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the sh-t out of me. I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's f-cked up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even f-cking. So now I'm going to experiment with 'f-ck you.' In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever."


Great. This is great news. If this is what happens every time John Mayer thinks he’s f-cking with someone, let him f-ck with us every day, all day. Please keep it coming.

It’s too easy to get outraged at his antics. And, truth, he’s not outrageous. He is simply TRYING to be outrageous. He’s trying to be a punk. He’s trying to be a skeeze. He’s trying, he’s trying, he’s trying, it’s work, it’s work, it’s work. He is and will always be the fat kid who couldn’t get a date. In that sense, you feel sorry for him. Which is exactly why he knows he’s nothing.


Photos from Wenn.com

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