Chinese Squawking Chicken Articles

Thursday, March 27, 2014
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Dear Gossips,

Have you heard the “sad” version of Pharrell’s Happy by Woodkid? Have attached below. I’m obsessed. When I listen to it I picture Gwyneth Paltrow in her garden, picking vegetables, ruminating on life. Also, it’s the celebrity’s metaphor for, like, everything. Which is hilarious. One day some actor will mention it in a video. “You know that song Happy? Well it’s all in the interpretation. Happy can quickly be sad, just add some more piano.” That’s some deep sh-t.

A quick note on today’s schedule. My ma, the Chinese Squawking Chicken, is doing interviews today with etalk and The Social. You can imagine what a giant f-cking pain in the ass this has been to organise. And now I have to worry about her getting to the shoot location and whether or not she’ll complain about the facilities and not wanting makeup but then wanting makeup and why haven’t we hired a translator and why aren’t more people taking pictures of her? Anyway.  Read Full Intro

Wednesday, March 12, 2014
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Dear Gossips,

I’m wearing earrings today. Little studs my ma, the Chinese Squawking Chicken, shoved at me at her birthday party on Saturday. Not a gift though. It’s a fortune telling/feng shui good luck thing. Because I don’t normally do accessories. Just a gold chain I never take off around my neck with a rooster pendant hanging from it, also for fortune telling/feng shui. At the Oscars I didn’t wear earrings and my hair was up. Ma watched the red carpet show and wouldn’t get off my ass about how there was nothing to “catch” my luck from falling down.

Earrings plug the holes. They catch the “missed opportunities”. But I forgot to wear the earrings on The Social on Monday and Tuesday. And she was all over me about it last night on the phone. Twenty minutes I had to listen to her bitch at me about how I was wasting so much luck by not wearing earrings.  Read Full Intro

Robert Pattinson drags a cow

February 26, 2014 20:26:48 Posted at February 26, 2014 20:26:48
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
Macca/ Splash

How about one for the Twi-Hards? Robert Pattinson is working on a film in Toronto. I live in Toronto. He was on set today with a cow. Dragging the cow. I am a cow. A f-cking cow. Let's just go ahead and call the cow Lainey, even though Lainey is a blonde cow. They couldn't find a dark brown cow? It does make a lot of sense though. Full Story

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Gwyneth & Charlize: Rats & Rabbits

February 24, 2014 14:29:41 Posted at February 24, 2014 14:29:41
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
FameFlynet

Gwyneth Paltrow went to a party at Charlize Theron’s yesterday. G and Charlize were also hanging out at Sean Penn’s Haiti fundraiser a few weeks ago. So I guess she really is friends with everyone except for Madonna. Still. And she’s going to need her friends, especially the Tigers, this year. Full Story

Friday, January 31, 2014
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Dear Gossips,

I feel like it's kinda perfect that the Super Bowl is happening over Chinese New Year weekend. Feasting and celebrating is always good this time of year -- good luck likes a party. When my ma, the Chinese Squawking Chicken, was heading into a really, really sh-t cycle for Tigers (she's a Tiger Mother for real), she insisted on a major birthday party, even more extravagant than usual, so that the happiness and goodwill generated on the occasion might provide some padding against what she was facing. She ended up in hospital a few months later, the beginning of what would be a brutal fight against a rare disease. Which she's still recovering from. But the point is - she's recovering. And she often says that party may have been the difference between recovery and loss. Or she could just be saying that because Jacek and I paid for that party, as we do all her parties, and she's telling us that we have to keep doing it. Guess whose birthday happens in a month?

The blog may be lighter today for Chinese New Year. Back to full schedule on Monday.

May the Horse be kind, gentle, and forgiving. May you be happy and healthy and loved this year.

GUNG HAY FAT CHOY! Happy New Year!

Yours in gossip,

Lainey

Wednesday, January 29, 2014
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Dear Gossips,

After yesterday’s open about the Year of the Horse being sh-tty for those who are born Rats (click here for a refresher), I received a few emails, some complaining about the Rat getting all the attention. Like this one from Jennifer:

“UM, WTF...year of horse is all about rats?”

But why not spend more time helping and warning those who aren’t going to be lucky over those who will be lucky? You’re already lucky. How much more attention do you need? Do you want to be that greedy? That’s what the Chinese Squawking Chicken would say. And it’s what she used to say to me all the time when I was a kid, whining at her about her endless cautions. “Ma, why don’t you ever tell me anything good?” Not unlike many of your questions yesterday.  Read Full Intro

Cam D is a Rat too

January 29, 2014 16:10:28 Posted at January 29, 2014 16:10:28
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
WENN

There are a lot of Rats in Hollywood. 1972 seems to be a big celebrity year. In addition to Gwyneth Paltrow, there’s also Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Jude Law, Eminem, Sofia Vergara, and Cameron Diaz. Cam stepped out last night in New York at the TAG Heuer flagship opening in an amazing coat and fresh skin, looking like she’s ready for whatever sh-t the Horse is about to jam in her face. Full Story

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Gwyneth is a Rat

January 29, 2014 15:24:54 Posted at January 29, 2014 15:24:54
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
Michael Buckner/ Getty

You think Gwyneth Paltrow believes in Chinese astrology? She’s a Rat. And the Year of the Horse is not supposed to be good to Rats. I care about Gwyneth a lot. So, if possible, if you can, could you send her this link? She really should be careful, especially between June and July and December and January. Full Story

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Tuesday, January 28, 2014
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Dear Gossips,

Chinese New Year is January 31st! You ready?

Fridge should we well stocked. Feasting is good. Gathering with friends and family all week is good too. Clean on Thursday – don’t forget the car – and wash your hair on Thursday night, wear a new set of pyjamas to bed (if you can), make sure the sheets are fresh, and then try not to do much cleaning at least over the weekend. I’ll remind you again on Thursday.

It’ll be the Year of the Horse. By tradition on this blog, my ma, the Chinese Squawking Chicken, has a few suggestions. If you are a Horse (click here to check your sign), it’ll be a regular year of ups and down. Won’t be the worst ever but it also won’t be the best ever, so you still need to be careful and stay steady.  Read Full Intro

Friday, January 24, 2014
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Dear Gossips,

It’s Grammy weekend. It’s also the last weekend before Chinese New Year. Let’s start there. We clean before Chinese New Year. We get rid of the sh-t from the previous year to clear a path for the good luck of next year. According to my ma, the Squawking Chicken, and you should always Listen To The Squawking Chicken (which happens to be the name of my upcoming book, due out April 1 in Canada and April 22 in the US, click here to pre-order and, did I just do that? Did I just pimp my book and drop it into conversation for no reason like I’m talking about my pregnancy? Yes, yes I did), this weekend is a “lucky” weekend to clean. You should still clean on New Year’s Eve, which is Thursday, January 30, but doing it specifically this weekend might get you some bonus points too.  Read Full Intro

First a bridesmaid…

December 10, 2013 18:36:49 Posted at December 10, 2013 18:36:49
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
FameFlynet

Mila Kunis was part of her brother’s wedding the other day. The bridesmaid dresses were blush pink and strapless. Definitely not something she’d wear on a red carpet…but it wasn’t about her. And I feel like Mila’s the kind of girl who knows when it’s not about her. Full Story

Mrs Timberlake’s holiday spirit

December 4, 2013 20:21:23 Posted at December 4, 2013 20:21:23
Lainey Posted by Lainey

What’s your holiday style? Are you a Mariah Carey? Mimi may have taken over Christmas but she does keep it pretty traditional (aside from her tits). It’s red, white, and gold but never green (see Dean’s rules to a Mimi Christmas here Full Story

Wednesday, November 13, 2013
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Dear Gossips,

Duana asked me last night how my ma, the Chinese Squawking Chicken, reacted to the announcement of my upcoming book about her, Listen To The Squawking Chicken. Well, she came over yesterday when I was at work to drop off some ginseng soup. Normally she doesn’t come inside because she blames my dogs for getting their fur all over her clean clothes. But she had to pee and used the upstairs bathroom, my bathroom. I left in a rush in the morning and it was a hair wash day so there was long black hair all over the tub. The only thing she said to Jacek during the entire visit was, “If you’re not going to clean your house every day you should hire a cleaning service”. And then she hobbled her way out the door. I wrote a book, but the Squawking Chicken still thinks I’m a filthy pig.  Read Full Intro