Who Are You Wearing…On Your Dick?

February 22, 2013 17:34:02 Posted at February 22, 2013 17:34:02
Dean Posted by Dean
Photos:
WENN

Who are you wearing? The age old red carpet question has taken on special new meaning, now that it’s been revealed this year’s Oscar gift bags include a pack of condoms, specifically, Naked Brand condoms. They’re marketed as a luxury rubber, but at only $20 a box, this is extravagance anyone can afford. I have to say I’m impressed with the organizers of this year’s swag bag for acknowledging that Oscar night is inevitably going to be an ass buffet for some of the nominees.

The leak of this detail also makes those Oscar gown knockoff stories that The Today Show, GMA, etc, will run on Monday seem a little redundant. Like who cares where you can find a cheap version of Anne Hathaway’s Chanel when, for just $20, you can wrap your dick up in the exact same latex Bradley Cooper uses to avoid future child support payments? A more personal star experience has never come at such a low price.

The lux factor of the Oscar gift bag has been seriously diluted in recent years, ever since the IRS started taxing it as income. The total value this year is around an estimated $45,000, where the bags previously ran about double that. That doesn’t mean that it’s not still full of other “Holly-weird” junk, including a $120 bottle of maple syrup, a “vampire” facelift, and $80 hair ties.

Over at The Daily Beast, they’re really making a big joke out of the inclusion of Leeza Gibbons’ new book, but I think the most mystifying item is a trip to Australia. I’m sure the Outback is stunning and everything, but is Oz really the Oscar nominee’s ultimate fantasy? Is Jennifer Lawrence really thinking “you know, I’ve reached the pinnacle of acting success, so forget Bora Bora, forget the Seychelles, I’m off to pet a kangaroo”? At least she’ll have some quality condoms with her for getting it on with those legendarily sexy Aussie beach bums.

Click here to watch a video demonstration of what’s in the Oscar gift bag.

(Lainey: thought Jeremy Renner, who will present with The Avengers, might be the most appropriate photo to attach with this article? Renner’s been in England this week promoting Hansel & Gretel.)

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