Dear Sasha:
Last year I made some really great friends. One of these friendships developed really quite beautifully. We went from being acquaintances to best friends in one year. By December, I was really in love, but a couple of weeks later, when the sex came, it was dreadful, pure horrid grossness full of condom problems that turned into erection problems, sweating and licking (????)… It was a mess. I knew he had less experience than me; when we were just friends we talked about everything, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the reality. We talked about it, I told him what I liked, what I didn’t like. I even gave a tour of the wonders of the vagina and explained its workings. I had faith everything would be great in time, I mean, he’s a great boyfriend and there’s nothing I like more than being with him and bad sex can be cured, right?
WRONG!
I can’t cure it! It’s been almost 7 months now and the sex isn’t awful anymore, but I just don’t like it. I don’t know why. I love sex, love, love, love sex; I just don’t like it with him. I don’t wanna break up with him, I love him, but I don’t know what to do. What do I do? I don’t wanna lose my best friend over this. T
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The reason this is difficult for me to answer, T, is because you need to decide what the most important things are in a healthy and strong relationship for YOU.
I know a lot of women for whom sex is paramount and then I know others who would rather reach for deep dish than some deep dicking. Both totally work though, but again, you need to figure out what’s going to make you happy in the long run. What makes your situation a bit different is that the sex sucks major nards.
Usually for that I’d tell you to go with the good ol’ “sandwich approach” ....you know, sandwich the negative feedback between two pieces of positive feedback, but dude is obviously not getting it. Personally T, I couldn't stick around if the sex was giving me a "no" feeling and I have enough foresight to know that would only leak into other facets of the relationship and eventually kill it.
Look, I can tell you’re feeling all kinds of guilt over this but it's not shallow of you to base your decision on having a wonderfully fulfilling sex life. By ignoring your needs, desires and intuitions, you’re actually not being true to who you are. And if you’re not being honest with yourself then how can you be honest in the relationship. Right? Again it’s up to you, but I’m pretty sure you and I both know what you need to do here.....but if I have to spell it out for you: jump off this pony and go for another ride.
Thanks for writing in and keep your questions coming to [email protected].
