The Most Beautiful Woman In The World doesn’t wear underwear

April 25, 2013 14:00:29 Posted at April 25, 2013 14:00:29
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
Wenn, Jason Merritt/ Kevin Winter/ Getty

Well she can’t in this dress.

Here’s my G in Antonio Berardi last night at the big Hollywood premiere for Iron Man 3. The sleeves are good. Not feeling much else, especially the design around the breasts and the collar. But then again, as it always is with Gwyneth Paltrow, that’s probably not the point. You’re not supposed to like it. You’re only supposed to look at her in it. A lot of her. All up and down her legs, and definitely her ass, because from some angles, especially when she’s walking, you can see half of it. And of course if you can see half her ass then from the other side you are being teased about what’s being strategically flirted with in the front. There’s a significant flash risk with any stretch of the material, especially for someone who may not have such a tight body. And there it is. Because on someone who’s just skinny, the dress would hang too much and lose its shape, thereby perhaps not holding in the places you need it to hold. Too many curves and there wouldn’t be enough coverage. G is just thin enough and toned enough that she can make that sh-t work...while lording over you in 5 inch heels on top of her 5 ft 9 frame. And on the same day it was announced that she’s PEOPLE Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman In The World for 2013.

Have I just ruined your day, two days in a row?

Or have I just made it better, because now you have something to project your rage onto? Love her or hate her, G is here for you in whichever way it serves you best. And not only with her wardrobe.

More details from Gwyneth’s interview with PEOPLE for the Most Beautiful cover have now been released.

On her miscarriage:
“It was. It happened really late, and I wasn't expecting it at all. For a long time I just couldn't understand that it had happened and why. I was like ‘But I can't not be pregnant. I'm already past the first trimester, and I have three car seats in my head.’ To this day I feel like I'm missing that kid. But it wasn't meant to be and you have to trust the universe.”

You see the exchange that has to be made as soon as you become a “lifestyle brand”? Personal information is a requirement, not an option. You are OBLIGATED to share. Overshare?

On having more children:
“More than anything I just realised ‘Oh my God, I'm so lucky to have two healthy kids’. We all think ‘Urgh, I don;t want to go back to diapers.’ But my best friend's mom once said ‘don't do your planning around the pain in the ass of infancy, because it's so finite. Plan it around how many people you want at Thanksgiving.’ So then I think, maybe. But I don't know.'

Can you imagine a Gwyneth Paltrow pregnancy now that she’s a “lifestyle”? Her first two pregnancies were relatively private. We hardly saw her. G had her children at the very beginning of the rise of the current Motherhood Industrial Complex. An expectant G in these times? Pregnancy might finally have a superhero, super powers activation by Belly Cupping.

Most interesting to me however were her comments about her marriage. And it’s been a consistent tone that she’s been hitting whenever she talks about her relationship. G seems to go out of her way to tell us that her marriage isn’t perfect, acknowledging that there were troubles:

“And I also totally accept him and what he does, so I'm not the type of wife who is like ‘Where are you?’ I never make him feel hemmed in or like he's in trouble. And on a personal level as friends, we really get along. We really laugh, and we're super into our kids. There's a good foundation. We've gone through some terrible times where it's been really really hard, but I've sort of come through those times with a much deeper understanding of myself. And we're still married. We worked through it. I think it's easier to get divorced. But I think the more you keep at it, the more you end up seeing the value in it. But man, sometimes it is not easy.”

When you mention divorce, does it mean that divorce was once an option? That’s what’s implied here, isn’t it? It was implied that things were so sh-tty at some point that divorce was discussed, and then ultimately rejected, because, as I have been saying for years, G wasn’t bred to divorce. Women like G were raised to gut it out differently, with what they would consider to be dignity.

What were the “terrible times” then?

The immediate assumption would be all those rumours a few years ago about Chris Martin hooking up with Kate Bosworth and Gwyneth ignoring Chris by spending time with billionaire Jeff Sofer (who is now engaged to Elle Macpherson). In 2008/2009, many entertainment outlets had already pre-written the Paltrow-Martin marriage obituary. Now that they’ve righted it though, it’s telling that G still describes it this way, instead of doing as celebrities usually do, painting rainbows around the situation.

If you like her, you appreciate that it’s where she is perhaps the most honest. Marriage ISN’T easy at all. If there’s anywhere to relate to her, this is where you might live.

If you hate her though, you might wonder about the motivation. Is her vigilance a warning? Or is it a sign?

Whatever. She’s showing half her ass. Look!

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