Rebranding Gwyneth Paltrow

March 26, 2014 15:21:18 Posted at March 26, 2014 15:21:18
Lainey Posted by Lainey

I love Duana. Duana texted me in a rage last night about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s separation announcement. Specifically this:

"We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate."

For well over a year?

Working hard?

Sometimes together?

What might have been possible?

Now those are some DETAILS, right? Very private details. She just told us the length of time they spent trying to fix their relationship. That is the very definition of private. And yet, I can’t look at pictures of you walking down a public street with your children?

How am I supposed to know which way the wind is blowing for you to consider something “private” and “private enough to share on a blog that gets millions of visitors and has now crashed from your sharing of your privacy”?

Make up your f-cking mind.

That’s what’s infuriating about celebrity indulgence and cherry-picking. They get to draw the line and move the line and take away the line any time they want to. And we have to keep up with that sh-t. 

What’s the sh-t that my G is serving now? Well, she just put her marriage on blast on her BUSINESS. And, regularly, on her business, she’s also delivering wellness and emotional advice, parading a series of experts into your inbox about how to get over this and feel better about that and do more with this.

So…Gwyneth… are you monetising your upcoming divorce?

She has a publicist. It’s not like the publicist couldn’t have released the message. But she deliberately chose to do it on GOOP. The official rationale would be because she wants to speak directly to her fans. Another possibility might be that, strategically, it’s for the Brand.

What is the brand now?

Single mother in her 40s. Dating. Balancing motherhood with her own desires. A fist up in the air and an ass that’s tighter than a professional dancer’s.

Her latest episode of Glee aired last night too. Coincidence or conspiracy? G was all discoed up, looking amazing. Coincidence or conspiracy? Angelina Jolie was in Vegas going for an Unbroken Oscar. Coincidence or conspiracy?

Oh please.

Like I said earlier, a single Gwyneth Paltrow is infinitely more interesting. And definitely Good For Gossip.

So…who?

Gwyneth isn’t JLO. Gwyneth aims high. Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, and the leader singer of Coldplay? That’s all status right there. The side pieces she keeps hidden. Lawyers and showrunners are not out in the open. When it’s out in the open it has to be A Name. Why did I keep thinking Jake Gyllenhaal last night? Jake Gyllenhaal could certainly ease the sting from a fashion It Girl who’s skinnier than she is. She just… never expected he would fall in love. And that he wouldn’t be able to fall out of love even after he ended it.

How long will it be before Kate Hudson sets her next target though? And how will that upset the fragile peace between Hollywood pedigreed blondes?

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