Chinese Squawking Chicken Articles
Written by Jacek I’ve basically ordered Lainey to go to sleep for a few hours at this stage in the day cause I can sense she’s about to crash. More from her to come later in the day but for now I’m stepping in for one or two words. Lainey might have already mentioned this but if she did I missed it. Full Story
It’s Burberry, of course it is. The new Burberry is not for my mother. She has a lot to say about this. She’s has two Burberry trenchcoats, a navy long one that’s 20 years old, and a shorter khaki about 15 years old, both in perfect condition. It was great quality. Or, as she says it, “goot colly”, translation: good quality. Full Story
For those new to the site: We Asians look young for a long time. I still get carded for alcohol sometimes. But the thing about Asians is that as soon as 60 comes around, it’s old and fast and overnight. One day you go to bed and it’s all good. Wake up the next morning and 70 years of your life is written all over your face. Full Story
It is so f-cking hot here in Toronto. And this is Hot Harry on a Horse not on a horse at a wedding in London with his brother and also Kate Middleton. I was married on a Friday. My mother consulted a feng shui master for the date. And that Friday was deemed a fortuitous day according to our birthdays and birth times. Full Story
Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning yesterday on the set of The Runaways working that old school style. High waist leather pants. Please. If I put those on I’d be the Chinese Porny Simpson. Kristen however looks amazing. There’s a cute, cute, CUTE body under there. As for those platforms, my mother had a pair. Full Story
JailBait Miley Cyrus is currently on some kind of promotional tour – book, movie, virginity – and was on the radio yesterday with Detroit’s Mojo in the Morning on WKQI when she was asked when she and that f-cking 20 year old loser she’s dating Justin Gaston are moving in together. Full Story
I called my mother this morning. It’s her birthday. These are the rules: I call her on MY birthday to thank her for giving me life. I call her on HER birthday to give thanks that she is alive.
Me: Happy Birthday Mom!
Squawking Chicken: (cackling) Today your favourite day of year!
Me: Sure. What do you have planned?
Squawking Chicken: what you buy me?
Me: you can tell me what you want when I come home next week.
Squawking Chicken: why you not think about it?
Me: you keep changing your mind, Mother.
Squawking Chicken: I go to Casino Rama today. If I no win, you pay me.
Me: Fine. Penny slots, right?
Squawking Chicken: My birthday. Why I play penny slots?
Me: because that’s what you normally play.
Squawking Chicken (switching to Cantonese now): You put my birthday on a budget? Do you know Mommy almost died carrying you around? Do you know what it felt like, you were 9 pounds. All because your dad’s side of the family gave you thick legs. The early bird casino shuttle is leaving soon. I have to go.
Me: um, ok. Have fun.
My mother doesn’t believe in goodbye. As for those of who keep asking us – is she really like that? Put it this way: most people who were at my wedding can’t remember what I was wearing. Everyone at my wedding remembers what SHE was wearing. Today is my favourite day of the year.
Twilight sighted all over Vancouver. Photos and details to come. Fangirls gone crazy on Canada’s West Coast. And we have months to go…
Monday – am blogging all day, still sniffling, but Porny’s making it better. New Jessica Simpson pics! And Matt Damon’s junk encased in spandex.
SCROLL DOWN for photos of a sassy Miss Zahara and her sister posted late on Friday.
Yours in gossip,
PS. The photo issue from last week should be resolved. And the photos are also loading much quicker. If you continue to experience problems, please email email@example.com.
Rachel Bilson and her betrothed Hayden Christensen spotted in Malibu yesterday after lunch. His legs look skinnier than hers. And she’s TINY. Ew. Anyway, Hayden and Rachel have been spending a lot of time in Ontario working on his farmhouse. Am also told that they’ve also been visiting local breeders looking for a dog that can herd all their goats. Full Story
This is for the gays and the girls who love them, especially my Morley who emails me once a week claiming first dibs on Dustin Lance Black. DLB won an Oscar for writing Milk – have you seen it yet? Probably not. And why not??? Anyway, as you can see, DLB is beautiful. According to some, he’s also acting kinda obnoxiously. Full Story
Last month on my birthday I broke my goddess charm – a red string pendant I’ve worn around my neck for years. It was moldy and frayed and still, I had it with me on every occasion, even the dress up ones. And then I dropped it and it cracked and for an entire night I couldn’t reach my mother and, paralysed with fear, I spent the evening of my 35th birthday living as though it would be my last. Full Story
Is damn fine. Look at that skin! Will Smith celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday and was joined by family at his son Trey’s football game. Do you see Carlton? It’s Carlton! Will shares his birthday with Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas… which has always had me wondering about the science of astrology. Full Story
Another carpet, another case of the BitchFace. She tried to smile and it almost incapacitated her. My mother calls it Fu Gwa Gon: Dry Bitter Melon Peels. Her godson married a Fu Gwa Gon. Even when she’s happy she looks like she’s at a funeral. One day a few years ago, mother was playing mahjong and Fu Gwa Gon was sitting in her eyeline. Full Story
It’s a bold idea. But is bold good? I have a thing about wrinkles. It’s from my mother. She irons everything. And she would say, if she could see this dress… Chow chow. Chow is wrinkly in Cantonese. We like to repeat adjectives twice for added effect. Chow chow may be bold…but chow chow not good. Full Story
Kay McConaughey, Matthew’s mother, might actually rival mine in no shameness. I love her. Kay, I mean. She makes my life. I need to be her friend. Kay is writing a book. The title? I AMAZE MYSELF! It’s true. She amazes me too. In her book, she describes the death of her husband – he literally died on top of her and she only realised it because he wasn’t grunting: “On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. Full Story