Yay for constipation face and bad wigs!

Earlier this week, a 10 second teaser trailer was released online in advance of the 90 second proper trailer for Twilight Eclipse. Yes, I’m confused too. But it speaks to the Twilight Nation’s eagerness to eat up anything, to buy up anything, to shoot up anything related to their franchise. Eclipse opens on June 30 but Robert Pattinson’s Remember Me opens this Friday. And both films come from the same studio. And since Pattinson’s non-Twilight endeavours depend very much on Twilight fans, you see why this was their only move – to launch the trailer with the movie and hope that Twi-Hards will flock to see him get it on with Emilie de Ravin.

And they will, even though initial estimates have been conservative, they will. It’s hard to imagine his faithful and horny not lining up over and over again pretending his dialogue is meant for Bella Swan. It also doesn’t matter if the movie is good or not. Reviews have been largely dismal. I usually trust Variety’sTodd McCarthy. He doesn’t like it much but he also doesn’t hate it. (By the way, if you have never, you should really check out McCarthy’s DVD commentary for His Girl Friday, one of my all time favourite movies. McCarthy’s acknowledgement of Howard Hawks’s portrayal of strong, independent women long before the official movement is nothing short of inspired.)

Entertainment Weekly’s Lisa Schwarzbaum however had no time for Remember Me. Gave it a D+. And guess what happened? Of course they did. The Twi-Hards hit her hard. Click here for her review and the comments if you need a Twi-Hard laugh today.

But what you have to understand is that for Twi-Hards, quality is not important. Exhibit A: Twilight. Exhibit B: Twilight New Moon. And so when it comes to this Eclipse trailer, well, put it this way, it’s not exactly Iron Man 2. What it is is what they want. Which is a lot of Pattinson and Kristen Stewart holding each other, and Taylor Lautner wanting to hold her, and some fancy music in between, and of course the elements that have become Twilight staples:

Pattinson’s constipation face – check.

Taylor Lautner shirtless – check

Hideous wigs (this time on Stewart) – check

And the corniest fontrum dialogue EVER – check, check, check, check, check

Oh this sh-t is going to be fun.

 

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