Here come the pants
Oh no. Oh girl, oh no.
I am still not Jessica Simpson’s friend. Neither are you. So we can’t help her. And she will need help. A LOT of help.
People.com is reporting that she’s been dumped by Tony Romo again. It happened last Thursday, the night before her birthday. Apparently their schedules are conflicting and she wanted to try but he obviously didn’t because by Friday he was clubbing in Hollywood with the boys, happy to be back on the scene.
Jessica wanted to celebrate with a Barbie-themed party (OF COURSE!) but obviously was no longer in the mood. Instead she stayed home with her mother, per her Twitter:
"Everyone needs to know that hope floats ... grab the strings and pull it back to you. Falling asleep with my mom and the dogs. Please lord give all of my beautiful fans, friends, enemies, and family rest. Bring all of us peace."
You know what that means?
It means there will be a pants disaster soon. A pants disaster to eclipse all the other pants disasters. And as we’ve already seen in the past, mom can’t help her with the pants disasters. Good friends can help with pants disasters. I could help her with pants disasters. But not mom. No. And not dad either. They’ll only make it worse.
I’m worried for her. A pants disaster is coming.
And yet… I have to admit… and I’ll admit it for you too, because I know you’re thinking it but don’t want to go to hell… admit that she’s given us so many wonderful gifts in the past, gifts that have helped us through some dark days, provided levity on rough nights, that I cannot wait for the next gift. The next gift might be epic. You can’t wait either. Don’t lie.
File photos from Wenn.com