What Would Dum-Dum Do?

January 8, 2013 15:45:41 Posted at January 8, 2013 15:45:41
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
Wenn, Fame, Splash

Well, it was inevitable: a Ryan Lochte reality show on E! It premieres in April and will feature Dum-Dum preparing for Rio 2016 and managing his clothing line and trying to find love. At 28? Training for another Olympics while getting your dick sucked by former child stars and aspiring actresses? I guess that sets up Season 4 then, non?

Lochte sinks at the Olympic trials. But it’s OK because by then he’ll have dated and broken up with and gotten back together and arrested with Lindsay Lohan several times. Or Ashley Greene. I’m surprised she hasn’t tried to climb up on that already.

Don’t be such a c-nt, Lainey. Maybe he won’t be as dumb on the show as he’s been, erm, his whole life. Please. E! screened a few minutes of The Lochte Life yesterday at the TCA and he’s exactly as impaired as you expect him to be. THAT’s WHY THEY GREENLIT THE SHOW.

Given the viewing appetites of the public these days, with the rednecks and the boo-boos, the more Ryan Lochte Chicken of the Sea moments, the better. And those are the moments they will try to create. Manufacture. Stage. That’s who he is now, Ryan Lochte. Or who he always was -- a famewhore camouflaged as an athlete, Ebola Paris Hilton disguised as an Olympian. And he will be rewarded.

Said Suzanne Kolb, the president of E! to Entertainment Weekly:

“How many people fall in love with the smartest guy in the class? They fall for the fastest swimmer.”

Sure. Sub 20? Definitely. Maybe even up to 24. But if that statement is still true after 25...

Maybe Dum-Dum is what we deserve. Which... fine, I guess. It’s not like we haven’t been headed into sh-t for a long time. It’s just...

If we’re judging purely on looks, because that’s pretty much what we’re being told to do, could it be someone more attractive? Because that is not a good face. That is a permanent drunk face, only he has it when he’s not even drunk. Also he has Tom Cruise’s abs. And short turned-out legs like the kid from Parenthood (the movie) who kept bashing into walls with his head.

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