Tori Spelling: karmic downsizing

August 2, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at August 2, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Karma works in mysterious ways. And karmic payback is meticulously devised. Pedestrian homewreckers like Claire Danes can expect premature beauty evaporation - a tragic fate for a fetching young star. Others have been cursed with - gasp! - a new unremovable layer of fat, forever limiting career opportunities, resulting in lifetime exile the sub-B list, a Hollywood horror unto itself. The list is endless. There are those who can"t have babies, there are those who can"t find love, there are those who remain babies and lose love in the process, and there are those who actually have to fly coach…the very definition of hell on earth. Sometimes though, when the wrongs can"t ever possibly be righted, like Mel Gibson"s nazi prick of a father, karmic payback can even go multigenerational and THAT is why I"m not having children. Major transgressions result in major karmic asskicking and any child of mind would be cursed with the wrath of a thousand dragons and the ugliness of Donatella Versace and Camilla Parker Bowles…combined. I knew this the moment I made Tanis Robinson cry in grade 10 homeroom. But while I"m taking cover from the vengeful lightning bolts of the heavens, Tori Spelling just keeps on sinning. Which is why her karmic calamity is only just beginning. And for super sinners like Tori, getting hit by a bus or mangled by a dog is definitely not adequate justice. This, my fellow gossips, is why you don"t f&ck with good and evil, why you live your life in deference to the might of the Goddess, because one wrong move, or in her case, several compounded wrong moves, can result in what we fear the most: an individualised punishment plan, carefully crafted to hit you where it hurts the most. Now for Tori, that means Upper Middle Class. So we know about the paltry inheritance, we know about the "hand to mouth" living, and now comes word via Jeannette Walls that Tori has to suffer the indignity of downsizing, putting more than 200 designer items up for auction on eBay, in order to help pay for a $40,000 nursery she"s prepping for Kfed Jr. Jr. Not a big deal for people like you and me. But think of it this way: here"s a girl who grew up in Hollywood"s hugest mansion, with countless rooms, even more closets, a bowling alley, and a special chamber devoted to dolls. Girls like Tori never, ever, ever give away Prada. Girls like Tori catalogue Prada, and all their outfits, with dates and times and events, not because the clothing will be reused, but because simply having it in a personal private fashion museum is, in and of itself, a status marker only afforded the MOST privileged at the party. Oh how times have changed. Not only is she shedding her former luxuries, she actually needs YOU to help her live. She needs YOU to give HER money. She NEEDS you to support her life. From Charmed to Charity - isn"t the Goddess poetic? Isn"t she brilliant? Isn"t karmic payback such a clever, clever bitch? But here"s the kicker of it all. Feng shui is fluid, it bends and it yields and it is never absolute. Similarly, the Goddess is a magnanimous creature. Given the right set of circumstances, she will forgive…which is why I find it shocking that instead of donating her clothing AND making a generous contribution to a worthy cause – like Covenant House Vancouver - Tori has chosen instead to hawk her wares online for mostly less than a hundred dollars, at times going as low as 24.99!!! Seriously gossips…sure, she"s not as rich as she used to be but come the f*ck on. It"s an $800,000 settlement, she"s a tv movie actress, and even tv movie actresses make more per 6 week shoot than some of us do in a frickin" year. Is that poor? Is it really??? Is it poor enough to warrant hoarding a measly 25 bucks to put towards a high end baby room? Give me a break! Had she opened her black heart for one second in an attempt to BEGIN to rectify her past, the sky might have taken pity. Having said that, the sky is now only angrier. Can you blame the sky for rumbling its disapproval? Trust me gossips...Tori Spelling is marked for ultimate suffering. And we have the pleasure of watching her pain. Thanks to Nicole for the link and yes, y"all…do your part to fund Tori"s life! Click here for the eBay list and bid away. And when you"re finished, send her a little note, telling that manky slut how much fun it was to give her a handout. Condescending never felt so good.
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