Blue Ivy, security, and vaginal preservation

January 9, 2012 13:46:56 Posted at January 9, 2012 13:46:56
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Blue Ivy.

Blue IV.

Why not Blue Four?

Well I guess that would be too Beckham Seven.

I suppose they think the Ivy IV is pretty clever. Clever or not, it certainly wasn’t random. Four is their favourite number. Somehow they found a way to work it in. Including the birth date? Blue Ivy would have to have been born after midnight to qualify as a January 8 (and therefore 4+4) baby. Does a celebrity have the power to change Time? Let’s say she was born at 10pm on Saturday January 7. Can they ask that the birth certificate be signed for January 8 anyway? I’m not saying that that’s what went down. But given that there’s no official announcement from the couple - only congratulations from friends and family and media reports citing sources - we really don’t know Blue Ivy’s legitimate-ish birthday yet.

As for Blue, admittedly I like the Blue here especially since her dad has already had three Blueprints, making her his Fourth. Ummm... will you lose respect for me when I say I think that’s kinda cute?

There’s also Yankee blue which is actually midnight blue and I’m sure, going back to the birth timing question, they’ll find a way to claim that Blue was born at midnight too. I’m telling you, you can find 30 ways to make Blue’s name significant to Beysus and Jay in some way. As people have been doing all weekend.

Because Blue Ivy Carter is our new Lord and Saviour. Or maybe just the new:

Bitch
In
Charge

Braps!

Can we move past the name now and deal with this surrogate business? My sources told me it was Lenox Hill Hospital even when all other reports were pointing towards St Luke. The same sources tell me that it was indeed Beyonce who was cut open. That Blue came about of her, not some random, but HER. Whether or not you want to believe that is up to you.  Gossip, as I have always said, and you’re bored of it now, is a Buffet.

As for how it went down...

Well, it was kinda like the spa, is how it was described to me. They even redecorated a little. Their team came in advance to move around some furniture, bring in their own personal touches, luxe up the place for the Little Rider’s arrival. The team was huge. Like massive security, a couple of massage therapists and other wellness types around to attend to B’s needs. Basically no other pregnancies seemed to matter. Which is what one family is claiming: a father, Neil Coulon, says he was cockblocked by B and J’s security from seeing his twins in the NICU. (Source)

Coulon family members have taken their complaining to Facebook. Here’s an excerpt:

Forgive my language, but giant *** to Beyonce, Jay Z and Lenox Hill Hospital in New York. My cousins Neil and Roz had beautiful twin ba...by girls who were born six weeks early and are currently in the natal ICU unit trying to get healthy enough to go home ... but mother and father weren't allowed to be with their own babies because of Jay Z and Beyonce's thugs, who (with the hospital's blessing) closed off that ENTIRE WING ... separating parents from their infants so they can have their own celebrity entourage come visit without having to interact with the "little people". Okay ... I can understand a wish for privacy ... BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHER PARENTS AND THEIR INFANT CHILDREN and reducing other families to tears. I wish I could say I'll never buy your crappy ass music but I never would have anyway ... so I'll just have to settle for telling everyone I know what incredible *jerks* you are. (Thanks Lori!)

Mimi must be SO jealous that Dembabies didn’t inconvenience other babies the way Blue Ivy has already inconvenienced the newborns of New York.

And how exactly did Blue Ivy come out?

Oh but celebrities are amazing, aren’t they? They will punish their bodies for their roles, for their performances. Beyonce in particular, when she’s on stage, I mean no one gives ‘er like Beyonce on stage. She holds nothing back on stage. And then, when it comes to the first monumental act of motherhood, well, these celebrities, so many of them let other people do the work for them. Fascinating, non?

They call it Too Posh To Push.

I call it Vaginal Preservation. And, while we’re at it, a quick nip and tuck, just to accelerate the post-baby thinnification.

In fairness to famous people though, this is happening more and more with civilians too. (Is it true that many physicians are encouraging it? Do they make more money? Insurance reasons? What?) Prioritising vaginal tightness isn’t only a celebrity concern, you know?

But what of the Judgy Mother Movement to go natural all the way? I guess their voices aren’t as loud in some neighbourhoods. Can you imagine Beyonce breastfeeding? My friend Eleni emailed me about this yesterday. Neither of us could, but then Eleni wondered whether or not Beyonce’s best friend Gwyneth would approve.

Future GOOP: breast feeding demonstrations by Beyonce. I really, really want to dream about that tonight. (I just read that back and it sounds pervy and f-cked up even though I didn’t mean it that way.)

The Grammy Awards are a month away. Blue Ivy cockblocked everyone at the VMAs last year when she was only a zygote. What can we expect from her - and her mother - now that she’s arrived? Kanye West has the most nominations. I am laughing already.

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