Hollywood Closet Articles

Leggy Robo

March 27, 2009 07:22:41 Posted at March 27, 2009 07:22:41
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Not free just yet but some say she’s starting to reassert her… personality. Don’t get too optimistic. Xenu’s hold is strong and unforgiving. Ask John Travolta. We were talking about the GMD the other night, a drunken night outside a pub. What else is there to discuss? At this point I don’t think it’s so much a question of gay but of deliberate androgyny. Full Story

Globes Best Friend: Tom Cruise

January 12, 2009 08:40:52 Posted at January 12, 2009 08:40:52
Lainey Posted by Lainey

The GMD – he was Mr Popular last night, wasn’t he? Could not WAIT til commercial break, at which point he apparently launched himself up out of his chair in a mad dash to talk to Leo, to Kate, to Steven, to Clint, to anyone who would meet his mother. Bitch is f-cked up and weird but you have to admire the effort. Full Story

Gay with a guitar on a boat

December 30, 2008 12:44:42 Posted at December 30, 2008 12:44:42
Lainey Posted by Lainey

And he’s not serenading Johnny Gill! St Barts seems to be the warm weather destination of choice for celebrities this holiday - exclusive and expensive and no sign of recession. As you know, Eddie Murphy has made an obscene amount of money wearing fatsuits making the same movie over and over and over again. Full Story

View All 9 Photos

Robo Baby Machine

December 30, 2008 07:20:00 Posted at December 30, 2008 07:20:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

The GMD told The Sun that he wants 10 kids. This is your answer as to why Katie Holmes looks so tired all the time. You’d be tired too if Xenu set up a fertility lab between your legs with a new petrie dish every day. Full Story

View All 8 Photos

Bras are icky

December 29, 2008 08:25:31 Posted at December 29, 2008 08:25:31
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Those vagina virgins the Jonas Brothers played a show the other night and some child in the audience decided to throw her bra onstage at Joe, the waxy pretty gay one. His reaction was similar to what my main ‘mo Darren does every time I try to talk to him about my lady parts. Horror and disgust. Full Story

The GMD touches the head

December 23, 2008 08:32:43 Posted at December 23, 2008 08:32:43
Lainey Posted by Lainey

He did last night. He touched 45 heads. On Jimmy Kimmel live. Oh Jimmy. I love you. Did you watch? His teeth! They’re so white! So Jimmy has this competition where he faces off against his guest – who can touch the most heads in 30 seconds? Needless to say, Tom Cruise was very, very good at head touching. Full Story

He’s never been happier

December 17, 2008 11:30:40 Posted at December 17, 2008 11:30:40
Lainey Posted by Lainey

It’s Travolty in France, still shooting with the androgen of his massage fantasies Jonathan Rhys Meyers. The film is called From Paris With Love – something about a spy although originally he probably thought it was a romance. Still, spending every day on set with someone as pretty as JRM is making JT very, very happy. Full Story

No Jada, No GMD

December 17, 2008 07:11:10 Posted at December 17, 2008 07:11:10
Lainey Posted by Lainey

At the premiere of Seven Pounds last night in LA – Will Smith, a rare carpet self promotional occasion withOUT his wife. Ordinarily not a big deal. But it’s been bizarre the comments he and Jada and even Rosario Dawson have been making lately. Rosario plays Will’s love interest in the film. Full Story

View All 17 Photos

Manorexic GMD

December 16, 2008 06:44:44 Posted at December 16, 2008 06:44:44
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Does he eat anymore? It’s probably the stress. The stress of salvaging a career. Or perhaps the stress of holding back his gay – his costar Thomas Kretschmann is quite the sexy beast. This is the GMD last night in New York at the Valkyrie premiere without KatE who was probably stuck on Broadway but who hooked up with him later on at the afterparty lest you think she was anything but supportive of her man. Full Story

View All 15 Photos

Tom in Toronto

December 8, 2008 15:31:23 Posted at December 8, 2008 15:31:23
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Tom Cruise is in Toronto right now – media blitz for the embattled Valkyrie which, am told, is not a bad movie, and a very interesting story, but for Tom’s involvement and he’s completely overshadowed and out-acted by Kenneth Branagh, Tom Wilkinson, and Bill Nighy. Valkyrie’s success or failure, of course, falls on the diminutive GMD. Full Story

View All 8 Photos

His Pants!

December 4, 2008 13:00:49 Posted at December 4, 2008 13:00:49
Lainey Posted by Lainey

There is nothing wrong with your eyes. That is indeed the GMD. And his pants… his pants are hanging ever so slightly better. Slightly. An infinitesimal amount. But an infinitesimal improvement nonetheless. How did this happen? Well, he looks like he’s lost weight. Probably working out super hard to promote Valkyrie. Full Story