Sasha Answers: BFFs who serve and protect
Hi Sasha, So, this one is a bit of a cluster f-ck. My best friend has been with her boyfriend for about 8 years now-- since high school. They don't live together. My friend is lovely, and always has been lovely.
I've got a long-term partner as well, and we do a lot of double-date action together. Last spring, my man and I had a party. My friend (let's call her B) couldn't come, but her man (let's call him F) did. Lots of people, alcohol, chatting, more alcohol-- my guy eventually passes out in our room, people leave, and suddenly I'm in the living room alone with F. He makes a move-- not to screw, mind you, but to touch. I don't let it go on, but I don't exactly tell him to GTFO either. This isn't because I wanted it to be happening-- I f-cking hate a confrontation, and couldn't deal with it.
I know I should have told B the next day. I KNOW. But I didn't. Thought it would blow over, thought it was just a drunken mistake, was afraid of the consequences for everyone involved.
It didn't blow over.
He confided in me (as a friend? I don't know) that he's not attracted to B. He then proceeded to tell me that I 'have the perfect body' and, um, some pretty graphic details about his physical reaction when he sees me. I knew it was too much, I knew I should tell. But at this point, I felt like I had to answer for not telling in the first place, so I still kept it to myself.
It got worse. By the end of the summer, he told me he was in love with me and would leave B in a second to be with me. My man and I moved in the fall, and we haven't seen B and F since. F drunk dials me when he's alone, texts, asks to come visit.
I'm feeling TREMENDOUS guilt over it, basically every time I talk to her. Should I come clean and tell her? Am I violating some sort of trust that F felt he had with me? Am I doing more harm than good if I tell? HELP!!! Thanks so, so, sooooo much.
This is a totally complicated situation but the answer is easy – YES, you absolutely need to come clean.
Listen, I get why you didn’t speak up the first time he fronted on you, but come on, it’s now gone from questionable behavior to majorly wacked out inappropriate sh-t. And T, if you don’t say anything soon, you’re going to be one to blame as well.
It’s BFF code #1 to serve and protect your bitch's back and T, there’s so much shady stuff going on behind hers that you have no choice but to tell her EVERYTHING. Could you imagine if your man was doing this - you’d want to know, right? And for that very reason you have to spill it. Oh and f-ck F, you owe him diddly squat sh-t, so don’t you dare factor his feelings into any of this.
Now I have to prepare you for something. She might very well misplace her anger for him smack dab right onto you. I don’t know why people tend to do this, but they just do, so you need to know that there's a fair chance that your friendship suffers for a bit. She might even temporarily choose him over you. And he might call you a liar. While that would suck big balls, it’s a possibility, and you’ll just need to give her some space during that time and hope she comes to her senses.
Good Luck and keep me posted! xx