Jon Snow Knows
Game Of Thrones Season 3 Episode 5
Well, there it was.
All the sex we were waiting for – all the nudity finally arrived in episode 5, not a minute too soon. And of course, with the exception of the duel to the death in the very first scene, all that happened this episode was a bunch of people talking (what did Gramma Tyrell call Tyrion? A beleaguered banker?), so it was good that we had the sex, although raise your hand if you, like me, thought that with all the talk of sex and bedding and “how did you know what I wanted”, we might finally find out the mystery of Podrick?
But there were more important fish to fry in this episode, and so it came to pass that the least consequential of all the things was Jon Snow getting not-naked-enough with Ygritte in what is apparently a hot spring that they happened to have all to themselves. I really enjoyed the digression into whether or not cunnilingus happened south of the Wall, and Ygritte’s insistence beforehand that Jon Snow knew nothing about nothing – but when it comes down to it, the chemistry between the two of them (and my co-viewer’s apparently correct insistence that Jon Snow was interrogated by Gareth from the British “Office”) made this the lightest storyline in the whole parcel.
That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with light. One of the things that is great about this show is that even the smallest characters have clear motivations. What they want and who they work for, and love, and stump for – it’s all right out there for you to see, and that should feel clumsy and obvious sometimes, as in the case of Arya’s captor admitting that, yes, she’s a hostage for cash, but instead it’s straightforward. People say what they need to, unless there’s a reason not to.
Oh – and there are reasons. I mean, I knew Loras Tyrell wasn’t just going to get a roll in the hay for no particular reason, but the speed with which the information made its way back to Petyr Baelish was kind of spectacular. Also, it sets the stage for some more terrible decisions from Sansa. She would probably fare the least poorly of all if she sucked it up and became Tyrion’s wife but that will seem to Sansa like a fate worse than death, and so she’ll fly to Baelish, and then all hell will break loose, which is only a delight for us, and will allow that grump of a Tywin Lannister to be disappointed in his children yet again.
Speaking of children – I didn’t expect the Stannis Baratheon angle. So his daughter is named Shireen, and she suffered from greyscale, which I broke my rules and looked up, and which is a childhood disease in Westeros that makes the skin grey and crackly. She is not partially born of dragons, sadly, and she seems to have made up for her facial shortcomings by being the sweetest child ever created, including reading to Ser Davos as though he were in a senior’s home instead of, you know, a dungeon.
But as usual, the Stark children are the most polarizing. Arya, I’ve decided, has a disorder where she believes she’s actually 6 feet 2 and 225 lbs. She tries to get into situations she would have no hope of getting herself out of, and she’s lucky that growth spurt hasn’t kicked in yet, because when she runs her yap like that the next time, she’s going to get the kind of punishment that was originally intended for Brienne. Now, mind you, that was before Gendry promised she’d be his lady, which is a little rich for my blood, but hey, maybe he figures he’s better to lock it down now before things get hairy.
Which they might, by the way. Robb Stark has been – please forgive me – acting and dressing a little sexier in the past few weeks, and watching him blatantly ignore the advice of the simpering women by his side made me like him more than I had in weeks. So he’s realized he has to go back to his original father-in-law and kind of apologize for breaking his promise about marrying his daughter in order to secure himself some troops, is that the case? The price of admission was earned when Talisa’s I’m-about-to-sex-away-your-worries face dropped as Robb outlined his plan to take back the battle once again.
And let us not forget the dramatic moment of Jamie and Brienne bonding naked in yet another tub. He confesses the truth about why he is the Kingslayer, she actually cradles him, disgusting stump and all, in her arms. Bless her. This is still my favourite spin off, and when I’m watching the two of them I don’t mind if they ever make it back to King’s Landing or not.
Still, regardless of what happens or who does what, I’d pay money if every episode ended with Tywin and a group of small council whom he berates, ending with each of his children looking bewildered. On a week where the mother of dragons didn’t quite have her dramatic due, it was easily the best scene in the show …well. After certain Jon Snow sequences.
Oh yes. And the Lord of Light is resurrecting people five and six times in a row now. This is interesting information to begin with – and even more interesting in the hands of Arya Stark. What can she possibly do with this? Oh, and when will she next see her friend Jaqen?