Mimi declares ownership of Valentine’s Day

February 15, 2013 16:02:46 Posted at February 15, 2013 16:02:46
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Mimi’s already taken over Christmas and now she’s decided that Valentine’s Day must be hers too. Think of every Valentine’s Day cliché and convention. Red? Petals? Balloons? Butterflies? Bubbles? Carriage rides?

Please.

Mimi’s covered it all. She’s worth half a billion dollars and everything that Mimi needs on Valentine’s Day can be purchased for under $30 at a drug store. It’s one of her most endearing qualities. She’s high class in her head, and then when it comes out, really, it all just ends up being paper plates.

How to Valentine like Mimi?

Fearless leader of love that she is, she’s documented it all for us, step by step, on Twitter. With photos.

You need this after a long, rough week, right?

I’ve attached the photos in chronological order. Now we can all follow along with Mimi’s past 24 hours of all romance, obviously.

1. Mimi posts of a photo of a kiss in silhouette from the night before Valentine’s Day began, suggesting that they were already doing it before the official holiday. Mimi and Nick’s kisses are amazing. You know why? Because, as Dean has already noted, they are entirely without any heat. Look at them. Only Mimi can make a kiss look completely asexual. That’s how an amoeba kisses.

2. It’s officially Valentine’s Day. To get ready for her big night of (self) love, Mimi luxuriates in the bath for 3 hours which... I imagine happens every day, Valentine’s or not. So many questions here:
- is every bath towel in the house monogrammed. Stupid. Of course. Yes.
- does the person who took the photo have to stay there the entire time(?) or was he/she summoned? If so, how many times is he/she summoned? When and why is he/she summoned apart from photo taking? Is it to arrange the bubbles around in a way that most flatters Mimi? Is it to run more hot water? Is it to flip the page of the magazine she might be reading? All of the above and more? Does Mimi apply fake eyelashes just to take a bath?

3. One of Mimi’s Jack Russell Terriers, Jill E Beans interrupts Mimi’s (many) moments of peace. Mimi claims that Jill E Beans wanted some champagne. Look at Jill E’s face. Jill E wanted nothing to do with this party. But every day Jill E has no choice. Jill E is forced to look.

4. The most generic red dress. The most generic red balloons. And the butterfly must rise above it all.

5. Of course there was a horse drawn carriage. Again they’re kissing like asexuals. Here’s how Mimi captioned the photo: “A kiss delicately scented with horse dung.... Still romantic though.” See? She gets it. This is how you know she gets it.

6. And finally, roses all over the bed and a Valentine sign available at any airport gift shoppe. So we end where we began: Mimi wants you to know that she was totally doing it last night after eating an entire box of low quality chocolate. Just like you.

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