Sasha Answers: Am I his girlfriend or not?
Hey Sasha, I'm a graduate student who recently got out of a long distance relationship with a younger guy (he's 19, I'm 23). His deal is that he doesn't want commitment, and he wants to date other girls, but he loves me and maybe one day it'll work out again. When I came home for Christmas, I was hesitant about hanging out, but he bought me a Christmas present (my favourite Chanel perfume), and as we hung out more and more he took me on more "dates" i.e. eating out almost every night, we had sex, told each other we loved each other, held hands in public, and he even went as far to buy me a diamond ring. Yes, a diamond ring. Before I left, he promised me that he would come and visit me this semester (keep in mind, we are still exes at this point). I was hesitant, and tried not to get my hopes up. We text every day and Skype as well, and even agreed to be each other's Valentine's. But two weeks before Valentine's I had a random, emotional break through and told him on Skype that we're either together or not, that it's too hard to be friends because I still love him, and when he tells me he still loves me but wants to see other people, it hurts me and it confuses me. Hours later, he texts me to say "I sent you your Valentine's" and low and behold, it arrived. So I gave in, and we continued texting all the time. This past weekend, he had planned to come see me – now, he's not coming. I felt like he had broken up with me all over again.
Basically, I don't really know what he wants from me. It's like I'm his girlfriend, but not. L
You’re either someone’s girlfriend or you’re not. And L, you’re not.
I get far too many letters from women who think it's okay to put up with this subpar bullsh-t and sadly L, you fall into this category too. Come on, the diamonds? The perfume? Who gives a f-ck. Please tell me you know that there is more to a commitment than some sh-t from a strip mall, right?! That doesn’t mean he loves you, it just means he can put down a credit card. Look, if you want someone who's emotionally invested in you, you need to set some goddamn standards and right now you’ve got them set at zero.
Now, if you’re looking for me to bag on this dude, I can’t, because he’s being pretty frank about wanting you to be is his sideline chick. He’s told you he doesn’t want to be with you, in fact, he’s told you he wants to be with other women! It's that obvious.
What you're doing is letting this guy have you at the price of jack sh-t. All he needs to do is UPS a gift, send some cute texts and he knows that's all it takes. That’s embarrassing for you and I need you to see that. So L, if what you want is to be in a loving, respectful, reciprocal relationship ...spoiler alert: This kid is not the dude.
L, we’ve all heard that you create situations in your life that you believe that you deserve, so my wish for you is that you realize that you’re worth more than a couple of receipts.
Peace out and keep your LIFE + STYLE questions my way at firstname.lastname@example.org