6 degrees of Lainey"s Asianship

January 9, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at January 9, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
1. I eat chicken feet. Not only do I eat it, I suck every piece of skin and cartilage right off the bone until the pieces come out clean and I go right back for more. Beat that Sophie. Beat that. 2. I have issues with car accidents. I have taken the door off my father"s car not once but twice. The first time it was the day before my driver"s test and we were coming home from dimsum with my grandmother. I was parked beside a lamp post, my father opened the car door, and for some reason I decided to step on the gas while in reverse. The thing was hanging by a hinge all the way home. The second time I was in our garage, headed out for a night on the town. I opened the back door to grab a cd, didn’t bother to close it, got in the driver"s seat and proceeded to back out. The door caught on the wall, snapped backwards and subsequently cost my father $1,500. My most recent scrape was 2 years ago on Chinese New Year"s eve when I was driving my girlfriend Julie home and came too close to a parked car on her street. Somehow my VW ended up lodged into the wheel base of a 4x4 and I was too chicken sh*t to move it. Final bill was $500 which paid for a new paint job for the victimised SUV. However, after all this, I still don"t think I"m a bad driver. Now how much more Asian does it get??? 3. I am intensely superstitious. The number 4 scares me, I won"t wear green hats, I won"t gift shoes, I won"t buy a home with a staircase that leads out the door, I won"t put a mirror at the foot of the bed, I won"t put the foot of the bed facing the bedroom door. I can"t make a move without consulting the feng shui Bible and my mother. I know it"s crippling and more than a little inconvenient and yet I can"t help myself. Beat that Sophie. Beat that. 4. I am a mahjong princess. My grandmother was the empress, my mother is the reigning Queen, and the throne will pass to me one day. I grew up hearing the beautiful sounds of tiles slapping against wooden tables and loud Chinese ladies gossiping about their rivals. Forget the Joy Luck Club. I AM THE JOY LUCK CLUB. Forget the Windsors. I am a descendent of the first family of Mahjong and I have the four winds coursing through my blood. Beat that Sophie. Beat that. 5. Not only do I sing karaoke, my parents have their very own karaoke machine in their living room, complete with cheesy Asian produced videos of beach walks and zoo animals to compliment cheesy 80s songs by Air Supply and Chicago. My father has invited people over just to hear him perform his very own rendition of "My Way" and he even serenaded me at my Chinese wedding with a moving "Bridge Over Troubled Water" that left everyone in tears. Beat that Sophie. Beat that. And finally, the ultimate stamp of Asian identification… 6. Hot water is my drink of choice. Boiling water straight from the kettle. It"s the only thing I order. Sometimes I"ll spice it up a bit, get creative, and throw a lemon wedge in there. But most of the time, it"s eau de scalding straight up. I"m now thinking of investing in a $200 thermos/dispenser that keeps water super heated for days on end. The thought alone is enough to make me want to clap my hands and giggle like a moron in my flannel Disney themed pyjamas. So Sophie - you are welcome to call me a raging cow. You are even welcome to call me obese. And you are certainly welcome to call me ugly. But do not question the Asian because if you mess with a this Asian, you are going to get a true Asian bitch slap. You hear me???
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