7 Feelings about the Don Jon trailer by Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Dean Posted by Dean at May 24, 2013 17:58:31 May 24, 2013 17:58:31

The trailer for Don Jon, the first movie written and directed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, is here and it’s a weird one. Don Jon is basically about The Situation if he never got famous, and co-stars Scarlett Johansson. I’m a little overwhelmed by how many feelings I have about this, so I’m going to organize them for you, just like I do for the therapist!

1. This Movie Doesn’t Look Good: This is the kind of thing that makes the rest of America hate “Hollywood types”. It’s a bunch of “artists” who are super wealthy and super abnormal, poking fun at the part of their country they only read about in NY Times Magazine. I think they’re probably going for a Silver-Linings-Playbook-feel but the tone is condescending and my guess is it’ll come off more like a Bronx Beat sketch. Scarlett in a Juicy track suit? Please, we buried those with Julie Cooper-Nichol in 2007.

2. This Movie Is My Fault: Just like you, I’ve been rooting for the rise of JoGo for YEARS. He was so promising in his early indy hits, like Mysterious Skin or Brick, but the blockbuster version of him is lacking something. He’s too wooden, too actor-ish, he’s Gosling without the charm. Based on my (and yours, I’m sure) early enthusiasm for him, I feel responsible for this tepid offering.

3. This Movie Isn’t Good Enough for Julianne Moore: It is a self-evident fact that JM is a queen and I can’t for the life of me figure out why she’s in SO many stinkers!? The Private Lives of Pippa Lee?! 6 Souls?! Now this?? Set my bb free!

4. This Movie Is JoGo Jerk Off Material: OR vibrator material! However you’re getting yourself off, it’s obvious that Tommy Solomon knows just how much he’s grown up and isn’t afraid to sell a little sex to get us to see his debut. Is the prospect of watching him beat it on the big screen enough to get me/you into the theater? I’ve paid $13 for a LOT less.

5. This Movie Raises Scarlett Questions: Is this really the best available part during Avengers downtime? For the past 10 years have I missed the fact that she has Shannon Dougherty face?  Are those extensions? Was Jennifer Lawrence offered this movie first? Does Scarlett Johansson hate Jennifer Lawrence?

6. This Movie Confuses My Porn Experience: It looks like a girl catching her boyfriend watching porn is a bit plot point. Is that something people get mad about? LOL, check yoself, porn haters.

7. This Movie Makes Me Feel Like a Hater: Not a good feeling but here I am.

Previous Article Next Article