Helium Douche

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 20, 2007 08:44:00 August 20, 2007 08:44:00

To each her own. I love Gwyneth, you can’t bear her. I can’t stand Oprah, many of you would gladly pass out from frenzied cheering in her aisles every time she tells you to “love yourself!”

Music of course is particularly subjective. To many of you, Radiohead is probably random noise. To me, they are brilliant.

And then there’s Maroon 5. I posted a giveaway for tickets last week and the response was overwhelming. Clearly there are a lot of fans out there. And yes, the songs are undeniably catchy. You hate yourself for bopping to them. Fun, harmless radio pop.

But here’s my issue with Maroon 5: is it a real “band” if you can’t perform live? Any time I’ve had the misfortune of having to sit through Adam Levine sing live, it has almost induced a seizure. Simply put, he sucks sh-t. Last week at Canadian Idol iol.ctv.ca was no exception. The man could barely get through his own song, barely able to hit the high notes.

Now Pipsqueak Justin Timberlake might also sound like a chipmunk but at least the dude can actually back up his bravado outside of the studio. Adam Levine on the other hand appears to only be able to manage his helium high notes with the help of a recording engineer in a controlled environment.

And on top of that, if this quote is to be believed, he’s also a f&cking douche.
Adam Levine on tennis player Maria Sharapova with whom he was linked for a while last year. Maria is this generation’s Monica Seles. She can’t make a shot without screeching but unfortunately for Adam, her loudness is reserved only for the tennis court:

“She wouldn’t make any noise during sex. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it ‘ruined her concentration.’ It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny.”

Helium Douche!

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