Most Oscar Try: Angelina Jolie
If I’d said to you on Sunday morning that following the Oscars, it would be Angelina Jolie who’d be the biggest JOKE of the entire show, even more than JLo, even more than GOOP, even more than Billy Crystal, would you have believed me?
Come now. No one would have believed it. This is just not the Jolie we know. The Jolie we know holds it together. She is controlled. She is determined. She spins her own messages.
Who is this Jolie who was laughed at? By her peers? By the television audience? Who is this Jolie who has become the punchline? Mocked and memed? Have you seen the meme? There are too many to link to. Here’s one of the first ones - click here to see.
So we’re Jolie-ing now. It won’t die until they do it on Weekend Update.
The right leg of course is the one getting the most attention. The right leg came out on stage. The right leg had been coming out all over the carpet. It wasn’t just that she was thrusting it in your face at every opportunity - after all, she wasn’t the only woman on the carpet with a slit in her dress - it was the way the leg was positioned: pale and TOO lean but also without elegance, without grace...
And that’s why people found it so jarring. That leg... it looked BASE, didn’t it? Juxtaposed against that extraordinary face, that leg, on the most famous red carpet in the world, that leg was a usurper. That leg did not belong to the one of the most powerful movie stars in the world. That leg belonged to a girl auditioning for a reality show, unpolished and hungry, desperate to be noticed.
She was already vamping upon arrival. There was a nice moment when she held hands with Pitt’s parents on the carpet but that seemed only temporary. I’ve watched Brange on so many carpets so many times; there was something else about her last night, a different motivation. She was out to make a statement. I just don’t know who she was sending it to.
I am told however that she did have a glass of wine. And that for her, because she’s so alarmingly slight, and doesn’t have much of an appetite, it can buzz her pretty quickly. That may explain some of it. But it certainly doesn’t account for all of it.
It doesn’t account for her stomping across the stage, with that goddamn right leg all tacky and sh-t, in combination with the leg hand on her hip, suddenly taken over by the spirit of Victoria Beckham.
Angelina, why so much Try?
You know what happened next. Jim Rash who co-wrote The Descendants, but known primarily to be a comic performer (you know if you watch Community), with a Groundlings background, inspired by her ridiculous posturing, turned her into a Comedy Bit. And the audience out there, they laughed.
Jolie-ing was born and Angelina Jolie is the joke.
Now Angelina Jolie might have a sense of humour, and she might like a good joke, but I promise you, Angelina Jolie did not want to BE the joke last night. Angelina Jolie wouldn’t have wanted you to feel bad for her last night. And a lot of you did.
What then was the root cause? How did we find our Jolie so vulnerable? More vulnerable than we’ve seen her in a long time...
She was the exact opposite in 2009 when both she and Brad were at the Oscars with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. That Jolie could not be rattled. It was Aniston who folded.
Jennifer Aniston is one thing. Jennifer Aniston isn’t too much of a worthy opponent. Gwyneth Paltrow on the other hand, that might be a more formidable adversary. Oh it’s been a long night and day. Would you just let me sh-t disturb?
Yeah, sure, she coulda just been nervous.
Like I said earlier, the Oscars are Gwyneth’s ‘hood. She’d just swept down that carpet in that cape like she grew up at the Academy headquarters. Everyone there is friends with her. Her little piece with RDJ was well received. And meanwhile, the Jolie, after a glass of wine, gets a f-cked up intro by Billy Crystal, and already a little unsteady, knowing that Gwyneth and her meangirls were watching, may have just reverted to throwing up the old defence mechanism...
I’m sexy, it will protect me.
Oh. That just made me a little sad.
But wait Brangelunatics... don’t worry. Brange is fine. They took the parents out last night. They hit up Clooney’s dinner. There was a lot of laughter, the Jolie was relaxed and comfortable, and the right leg was put away. Gwyneth Paltrow was at Vanity Fair.
But I need some time to get over this. I really really didn’t like seeing her like this. I really don’t like smelling the Try from her like this.
So they’re going to have to give me something good, something good soon. To wash it away. I like my Jolie a lot more confident.
FREDERIC J. BROWN/Ethan Miller/Michael Buckner/JOE KLAMAR/Kevin Winter/Getty