The As IF of the summer

July 16, 2012 17:10:12 Posted at July 16, 2012 17:10:12
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
Fame/Flynet

Need some comic relief this Monday morning? You can thank Ashley Greene for it. This item appeared in the NY Post yesterday. I’ve decided to include the entire article for maximum amusement:

Greene is really about to be the color of money.
For the past four years, “Twilight” siren Kristen Stewart needed a garlic necklace of her own to avoid the immense amount of press requests and fashion houses longing to pin her face to their hot campaigns.
Now the quiet bloodsucker in the background, Ashley Greene, is getting top billing.
She’s currently gracing the cover of Cosmopolitan’s “Hot Issue” after landing on the front of Lucky, Women’s Health and a handful of other titles.
“[Stewart] is no longer the poster girl for ‘Twilight.’ The industry has fallen in love with Greene, who is being hunted down by producers for several upcoming roles,” an insider says.
Greene is about to really cash in with three new films including the much-buzzed “CBGB,” on the New York punk scene and the venerable club.
Execs at major fashion houses are drooling over her upcoming fall DKNY Jeans campaign.
“Prada is one of many ready to pony up far more than the standard $20 million payday to land [Greene],” our source said. And all this before the last installment of "Twilight" hits theaters in mid-November.--

Joseph Barracato was the poor writer assigned to that story. I wonder if he didn’t have to self-medicate to get through it. For the entertainment reporter there are those days - and I know them well - when you have to fight the urge to say to your editor/producer “Please, God, no, do I have to?” Then you close your eyes and accept your fate. No one will remember, right? No one will blame me, right?

No, Joseph, we don’t blame you.

We blame no one.

Because this sh-t, this sh-t is FUNNY.

Ashley Greene is about to dethrone Kristen Stewart??? The same Kristen Stewart who just won the box office this summer with a non-Twilight film and is about to claim yet another mega money franchise all while somehow maintaining her small movie credibility - that Kristen Stewart? Kristen Stewart can get any meeting she wants to in Hollywood, no problem. Ashley Greene couldn’t f-ck her way into most meetings, let alone the kind of meetings Stewart takes, and does, but only discriminately. Kristen Stewart doesn’t have to stop eating.

I know there are those of you who aren’t enamoured with Stewart. Fine. I get that. But like her or not, you are also not an idiot. You know that right now, by the Hollywood grading system, it doesn’t get higher than Kristen Stewart. She currently lives in the penthouse with Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence. No doubt you find both of them more agreeable.

In other words, this mentally unstable New York Post article is trying to tell you that Ashley Greene, a third tier Twilight cast member who “dated” a Jonas Vagina Virgin, is synonymous with Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashley Greene, bless her, she won’t stop trying. If she can’t stop embarrassing herself, why shouldn’t we continue to enjoy it?

Here she is at Comic-Con the other day dressed for a tea party. Am also throwing in some shots of her with that other loser Kellan Lutz because, well, no matter how hard they want to escape each other, this is where they’ll always exist - side by side, B+ max forever.