Listen up smutters because you’re not going to hear about this anywhere else. Ph.D. in gossip, remember? And for those who love to naysay – jump up my ass. 2006 is a brand new year, and I’m tired of having to hold your amateur hands while you acquaint yourselves to the real machinations of the bullsh*t that is Hollywood and its revolving door of celebrity image makers.
I don’t have to name names. But you know who I mean. Stars who suffer from exhaustion or a variety of other suspicious ailments, who disappear for a few weeks only to reemerge a shadow (literally) of their former selves. Easily 20-30 pounds lighter, with sunken cheekbones and very small tits, proudly displaying their newly emaciated bodies in expensive couture, talking endlessly of their trainers and their “healthy” workout regimens and how it’s so important to “take care of our bodies and our souls.” Hmmmm. How ‘bout giving us a frickin’ break? You really want to know how they get so skinny? Yes, from time to time there is “happy” powder involved. And the tried and true method of not eating AT ALL works really well too. But these days, the new “medically supervised” starvation diet is all the rage. And a couple of questionable professionals are taking these young starlets under private care and monitoring the results.
For an exorbitant sum of money, these new diet doctors are treating celebrities with special IV drips while they cut out food almost completely over a 2-4 week period. By the time it’s all over, she comes out a stick insect, the whole world takes notice, the pappies hound her new streamlined physique, and ta da! A star is reinvented.
So the question for you gossips is this: who’s next? According to rumours on my end – it’s none other than Ashlee Simpson. Which means your homework is to watch closely. Let’s give it til March and see if Jessie’s little sister goes the way of the Lohan and the Duff. Here she is in Hawaii with her grungy new boyfriend, taking a breather from the bout of exhaustion she recently experienced in Japan. Exhaustion my arse. If you ask me, she looks a little smaller already. You know how it is. The quickest way to get on the front page these days is to show your skin and bones. Stay tuned, y’all. And I’ll keep you posted.