One of the great things about taking time off is that you get to catch up on DVDs. There are movies that I refuse to pay for. And yet these are the same movies I do not object to watching at home. Elizabethtown is one of those movies. Given Cameron Crowe"s reputation, given the fact that he has considerable influence in Hollywood, I was surprised to see it tank at the box office. So I settled in this weekend at the cabin by the fire expecting to be entertained by a cute little yarn about discovering yourself and finding love along the way. Too bad it sucked arse. And if you have seen this film, you will know exactly why it sucked arse. Oddly enough, Kiki had nothing to do with it. In fact, Kiki is wonderful. It"s Orlando who"s the one to blame.
Orlando Bloom is the worst actor, like, ever. Certainly unexpected especially since he"s supposed to be some kind of classically trained thespian, as comfortable with Shakespearean prose as he is with Caribbean pirates. And in his previous endeavours, you really wouldn"t have noticed, thanks to the flying demons and hobbits that mercifully camouflaged his acting inadequacies. Perhaps this is why Cameron Crowe was misled. Perhaps this is why he actually chose Orlando in favour of Ashton Kutcher, equally inept but less deceptively so. Whatever the reason, I think it"s clear if you"ve seen the movie that Cameron made a collossal mistake. Because at the risk of offending yet another band of horny teenfans, Orlando Bloom is painful to watch. He"s painful to listen to. And he also accomplished the impossible. Next to him, Kirsten Dunst was not only tolerable, she was also preferable. I liked her. I believed her. Orly, on the other hand, was absolute rubbish. Pretty? Very. Talented? No f&cking way.