Assy Style Articles

Bad celebrity fashion including Hollywood's worst dressed, out of date looks ugly red carpet, outfits and shoes, makeup mishaps, bad hair, and other fashion misses.

Keep the shoes on

January 30, 2009 06:38:36 Posted at January 30, 2009 06:38:36
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Still tacky as sh-t but definitely an improvement on her diaper jeans from the chili fair – this is Porny performing in Charlottesville, Virginia yesterday in leather pants and a black blazer. But then she took her shoes off. And the sight of a woman, in leather pants and bare feet…it’s just so low classy, non? It’s just so f-cking base. Full Story

What a difference…

January 29, 2009 06:48:08 Posted at January 29, 2009 06:48:08
Lainey Posted by Lainey

My girl Porny arriving in Virginia yesterday after a sh-tstorm this week over her body. Have always said, Jessica Simpson is at her best casual, with minimum makeup and natural(ish) hair. On these occasions, usually at airports, she is a knockout. SO pretty. Unfortunately, as a result of her low classy taste, and her dumbass hairstylist Ken Paves, the stage Jess is always too loud, too poufy, too tranny, too Porny, too high-waisted, and two belts. Full Story

Brange sateen

January 29, 2009 06:34:40 Posted at January 29, 2009 06:34:40
Lainey Posted by Lainey

It’s the Brange on the red carpet in Tokyo for the Benjamin Button premiere electrifying the Hello Kitties, continuing to work it, work it, work it. As mentioned earlier, Slumdog is under attack. And Brad’s film is not. The Los Angeles Times Full Story

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Size 2 is everywhere

January 28, 2009 13:15:34 Posted at January 28, 2009 13:15:34
Lainey Posted by Lainey

This Porny Simpson business… As you know, these photos have made headlines everywhere. Like if the Brange hadn’t come along to show off the family in Tokyo, Porny’s pictures would have been the top story all week long. But no one beats the Brange. For the record, in the original article here posted on Monday, I wrote very clearly that “Jessica Simpson has a lovely body. Full Story

The First Couple of Fail

January 27, 2009 11:45:10 Posted at January 27, 2009 11:45:10
Lainey Posted by Lainey

There is no hate-on for Porny. Quite the opposite actually. Over time, my black ass heart has opened for Jessica Simpson out of sheer pity. She doesn’t mean unwell. She’s not poorly intentioned. But she was raised, well, you know, by a dude who freely talks about her D cups. And without friends, without girls like us, she really never had a chance to be a girl like us. Full Story

Even her

January 26, 2009 10:38:24 Posted at January 26, 2009 10:38:24
Lainey Posted by Lainey

As repeated too many times, my friend Michelle has a thing about sateen. It makes her crazy. Michelle is a tv producer. Sateen looks terrible on television and in photographs. So unflattering. Lumps where there are no lumps. Even Victoria Beckham. Here’s Posh arriving at LAX yesterday surprisingly underdressed by her standards. Full Story

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Porny Happy New Year!

January 26, 2009 08:15:00 Posted at January 26, 2009 08:15:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

You know the photo. The Classic Jessica Simpson High Waisted Photo. It made our lives. It continues to make our lives. On a rainy day. If work is the sh-ts. If your mother won’t get off your ass about sending her to Vegas for her birthday… There’s Porny in her pants giving us a reason to live again. Full Story

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SAG Worst: Eva Longoria

January 26, 2009 07:59:26 Posted at January 26, 2009 07:59:26
Lainey Posted by Lainey

What is the point of Eva Longoria? What is the reason for Eva Longoria? Is there a reason for Eva Longoria? I don’t understand. Like, this dress. This dress, the colour, this colour is for food. Some food colours don’t belong on a dress. This food colour doesn’t belong on this dress. Full Story

SAG Prom: Freida Pinto

January 26, 2009 06:40:21 Posted at January 26, 2009 06:40:21
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Please. Find her a stylist. Or sack the existing one. It’s a crime this girl, as gorgeous as she is, cannot live up to her true potential on a big night. Because at every major carpet this season, Freida Pinto is wearing a prom dress. SAG was no exception. It’s the colour. Gross. It’s the old lady weaving in the chest area that screams Arlene’s Dress Shoppe – for all your fancy occasions! Brutal. Full Story

Worst SAG White: Teri Hatcher

January 26, 2009 06:26:18 Posted at January 26, 2009 06:26:18
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Desperate Housewives is still bringing big ratings. This explains why they’re still invited. But really…it’s not 2004 anymore. People may care about the show, but no one cares about the actors. So far all intents and purposes, it’s like they’re CSI, you know what I mean? This must be why they insist on slapping us in the face on the carpet for fear we won’t notice. Full Story

Worst SAG neutral: American Ferrera

January 26, 2009 06:15:11 Posted at January 26, 2009 06:15:11
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Washed her out. Badly. She has such beautiful skin. Normally it pops. The taupe stopped the pop. The taupe killed the pop. Duana took issue with the chest area. The way the tulle is pinned - it’s a mess. And look closely. See if you can zoom in to where the bodice meets the skirt. The exposed stitching…it’s WHITE. Full Story

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