My brother-in-law decided to have three children two years apart: Oliver is 8, Noah is 6, Veronica is 4, and as much as I adore them, they are the reason I am never having children.
One day not too far from now, they will ask me: Why don"t you have babies? Why don"t we have cousins?
And I will tell them...the reason I don"t have babies is because of YOU. All three of you. Because the three of you terrorised me to the point of permanent womb closure. Because that day when I agreed to babysit and Oliver decided to wipe his ass with two full rolls of toilet paper, clogging it of course, and I found myself standing in a foot of filthy water, scooping sh-t into a bucket while they proceeded to yell at me to hurry up so they could go back to play time... that"s what sealed the deal, standing there with excrement on my bare hands, piss all over my new trainers, and three faces looking up at me impatiently, I was changed forever.
But once in a while, there are photos like this - of the impossibly cute Violet Affleck, with dimples in her elbows and sleepy confusion on her face, a beauty in a bonnet and chunky buns for feet and for a quick second, there is a twinge of possibility... a quick twinge before reality comes roaring back.
Because I would never produce a princess like Violet. Mine would be quick to scream and quicker to throw. Mine would align with her cousins and reinvent misbehaving. Mine would be the Menace for all time.
Which is why a baby like Violet will always just be a beautiful dream. The kind you wake up from before it turns into a nightmare, before you realise it"s yours.
Here she is with mom on the set of Jennifer"s new movie. She really is the cutest, non? As cute as Apple I think. Perhaps even cuter?