The Pitts,The Big Easy,The Gloat,and The Editorial

January 19, 2007 12:00:00 Posted at January 19, 2007 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Us Weekly laid claim to the official confirmation this week: Brad and Angelina have bought a home in New Orleans, the French Quarter, and are said to be enrolling their children into local schools, making a permanent move away from LA to The Big Easy. Warning: Gloat ahead. Stop reading if you can’t stand it…but didn’t you know that already? As I first reported exclusively back in November the decision had been made as Brad’s involvement with the green housing project became more pronounced. In regards to the kids and their education, again January 3rd, I reported on the schools that were being considered: St George’s Episcopal and Audubon Montessori. But enough smug, on to the smut and the editorial I promised on the Page Six blind item. Many, many, many of you have written to follow up, sorry for the delay - travel, awards, trying to stay warm in Park City. Still, the extra few days gave me more time to get some more information…recap below. First a refresher on the Page Six Blind Item – a humanitarian who hooked up with a rock star friend in LA 5 months ago and got strung out on heroin. At the time, when only the item came out, I wrote that it sounded to me to be more Pam Anderson than Angelina Jolie. Humanitarian: Pam is AIDs spokesperson for MAC Cosmetics, hardcore party rumours for years, contracted Hep C, commonly infected through needles, a long list of rock star connections…and of course, you have to admit, the girl looks bunk-f*ckin’ ROUGH. However, in a subsequent column about Marilyn Manson two days later, screwed up in his own right, there was a mention of Marilyn’s friendship with Angelina, followed by the online dissemination of photos of a painting he created of her with nails popping out of her arm, which naturally led many to conclude that the heroin-using humanitarian is none other than Mrs Pitt herself, especially since she’s so thin and walks around pouting and reminding you of that Deep, Dark, Harrowing Past. First of all, I have no idea if that is indeed the answer behind their mystery. It’s their blind item, not mine. I’m not sure how they go about giving clues and I’m not sure whether or not they deliberately drop red herrings to divert from the real culprit. All I can tell you is what is told to me about Angelina’s behaviour and the observation coming from my own sources. Is she weird? Yes. Is she demanding? Yes. Can she be a bitch? Hell yes. Has she had a troubled past? Absolutely. Did she make out with her brother? Uh huh. Did she use heroin in the past? Rumoured to, yes. Was she headed for self destruction not too long ago, pre-Maddox? Obvious and admittedly so. But seriously y’all. The Pitts might be courting the media and they might do it very well but have you ever for a second characterised Angelina Jolie as America’s Goth Sweetheart and Favourite Homemaker? Please. The girl is a badass. She looks better with blood dripping from her lips and her neck than she does in a bikini sunbathing in Malibu. Angelina Jolie was Lindsay Lohan BEFORE Lindsay Lohan – a dysfunctional family, a dangerous and wild past, and the anti-everything that glossy Hollywood usually peddles. In recent years however, since Maddox, since ditching BBT, since becoming involved with the United Nations, Angelina Jolie has said that she’s become a new person – the kind of person who no longer hurts herself, Earth Mother and Mother Theresa, saving the world one adoption at a time, criticising Madonna, pissing off the MiniVan Majority, playing perfect wife to Brad Pitt, shunning Hollywood and the luxe life. According to the anti-Angelina movement however, the façade is starting to crack. According to some, Angelina is too f&cked up to be this mentally stable and too strong willed to be tied down and she buys babies and she hates The Chosen One and is going to ruin her baby’s life and now…courtesy of Page Six, she’s shooting up. Because heroin is apparently so benign one can use it casually without fear of addiction. Because she supposedly used to be an addict and she fell off the wagon and when you fall off the wagon after a serious addiction, it is actually possible to have the self control to avoid the feast or famine syndrome, only using occasionally without affecting your work life and family life and self destructing all over again. Because that’s how addiction works? Because that’s how harmless heroin can be? Okay. Sure. Why not? But take this for what it’s worth – even though she’s absolutely freaky and manipulative and calculating and bitchy, even though she’s all those things, I absolutely agree – according to my sources, Angelina Jolie is not using heroin. Angelina Jolie is a Goodwill Ambassador for the UN. Representatives of the UN are expected to go through medical procedures like immunisation and drug testing before and after missions on a regular basis. As you know, a Goodwill Ambassador is responsible for drawing attention to important issues advocated by the UN, Angelina’s star has certainly helped the organisation in the few years she’s been involved. And of course the UN is happy with the relationship, so long as her celebrity and her actions do not jeopardise the message and the work. Which is why she, like all employees and representatives of the UN, is tested and tested often. Which is why I hear she has never been observed to be engaging in behaviour that would compromise the organisation. Which is why she hasn’t yet been fired. Which is why there hasn’t been a carefully worded statement announcing her intention to step back from her duties because she needs more time to care for her children. If that were to happen, perhaps the suspicions might be founded. Right now however I’m told she passes each drug test with flying colours. But then again, you are welcome to draw your own conclusions about cleverly avoiding detection. Conspiracy, coincidence, conspiracy, coincidence. As for her body and her behaviour at the Golden Globes: does she exhibit signs of a junkie? Is she bored with Brad? Was she fidgety? Did she hate being there? Is she a smug ass bitch who can’t be bothered to speak to people? I spoke with the always delightful Nelson Branco who had the privilege of being inside the ballroom that night, seated behind Kyra Sedgwick. Nelson is a writer for TV Guide and In Touch, a ‘Mo of course, and therefore as catty as they come and deliciously so, with the trademark gay man’s eye for detail and observation and a nose for the dirtiest smut ever, especially the kind barely noticeable to some, but absolutely 100% obvious to a Queen. According to Nelson, the Pitts were lovely, Angelina did not leave the table once, she is extremely calm, she was engaged and chatty with her tablemates, she and Brad sipped water all night, they sat close together, and she is thin but not disgustingly so. Nelson also said that Matthew Perry was nuzzling the neck and kissing the shoulder of his co-star Sarah Paulson who has had a longterm lesbian relationship with Cherry Jones for years…weird, non? Sorry, I digress. But I’m kind of bored now. Editorial over.
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