Wedding Legality, the Reaction, and Sterility too?

November 20, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at November 20, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
The official photos – see attached. To tell you the truth, even with the master flair of Armani, I’m not really down with the dress. At least not the top part. Then again, I’m not one half of America’s New Sweetheart Couple, recently anointed by the MiniVan Majority after disappointing failures from the Membership’s two previous golden girls Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon. As such, this was a dress specifically for THEM. The veil, on the other hand, is spectacular. I have a thing for cathedral length veils. I love the drama, I wish I had had one myself. But I didn’t want it to catch on the rose petals that were sprinkled along the crimson carpet running up the entire length chapel….you make sacrifices for theatrics, you know what I mean? Sacrifice, gossips. Just as Katie did for their portrait, slouching and crunching up those shoulders to get to par with her Gay Midget Dwarf – not unlike Nicole Kidman this summer but we’ll talk about her later. Surprising though, isn’t it? That Katie Holmes-now-Cruise has emerged as such a formidable player? Her smile, her grace, her composure – not just this week but during the course of their 18 month courtship – she is selling it better than we all give her credit for. As GayGay Wentie Miller would say – Brava, Katie. Brava indeed. But it seems not everyone is a fan. Locals are upset that the couple, in spite of the trouble and chaos caused by the marital circus, did not have the courtesy to come out and wave to the crowd or, for that matter, invite the mayor of Bracciano, even though the mayor of Rome received the honour. Ummm… WTF??? So they’re like royalty now??? We expect Tom and Katie to bless us from a balcony like Marie Antoinette and Elizabeth and Diana? Please. Give me a f*cking break. On this issue, I’ll side with the Crazy. And talk about ungrateful. I mean they only put the sleepy town on the map in a way no one else could – bet your boob job the local economy will skyrocket as new tourists clamour to see the castle where Katie got married, and really, gossips…isn’t THAT more valuable than a 15 second benediction? To boost the welfare of your citizens with an injection of new business? So no, I don’t think they should have appeared by the window to blow kisses to their subjects and if anything, IF royal behaviour HAD to be observed, perhaps a donation to a local charity would have been more fitting. You will note, every time Marie Antoinette had something to celebrate or publicise, she always made a point of point of helping the poor. But why do I keep comparing Katie to a beheaded Queen? Sorry, I digress. On to the critical issue of the legitimacy of this union, shall we? Much has been made of the fact that it was a Scientology ceremony, not recognized in Italy, hence the collective smutty buzz that they actually aren’t married at all, even though his publicist tried to quell this kind of speculation by saying the couple took care of the paperwork in California beforehand. You will note this is not the only marriage in recent history to have a wonky official date. Britney herself conned us all by doing it publicly 3 weeks before sealing it legally so it’s certainly not the first time a celebrity ceremony hasn’t borne the a sameday stamp of recognition. So the marriage could be a sham… Umm…why is this such a shocker??? What I find most interesting is the “Déjà vu” aspect of the Katie Era, especially as it relates to the Kidman Era. Nicole was publicly (but not religiously) known as Tom Cruise’s wife for almost 10 years. They have 2 kids, they shared a home, several homes in fact, but still… since Nicole’s marriage to the GMD was not “recognised” by the Vatican, she was able to wed Keith Urban in a Catholic church in June while her children looked on. Katie Holmes, like Nicole before her, was raised Catholic. Katie, like Nicole before her, was not married by Catholic service this weekend. Katie Holmes, like Nicole before her, is said to have signed a contract. Coincidence or conspiracy??? Fast forward 10 years and several million dollars, after Little Sci, Second Sci, and Other Sci’s follow… let’s see if Katie gets the Pope’s approval after all. Seriously y’all…how many beards does it take to make a pattern? Oh and PS – some Euro gossips are blabbing about a honeymoon hookup in the Maldives with the Pitts who were invited but couldn’t make it and who thus promised they’d all gather together for vacay. Now while I can’t say either way whether or not this is true, I’m inclined to call bollocks. Not only because, as the current Prince of Paramount, Brad is probably well advised to keep the GMD at a professional arm’s length but also because of his own shooting schedule in India and New Orleans in the coming weeks and …well…something tells me Angelina Jolie, with her openly gay past – praise Goddess – isn’t exactly the Hubbard’s idea of a Scientological woman, you know what I mean? PPS. Many of you have written to ask about Katie’s baby bangs. Call me Cruise but I kinda like ‘em. And no, they’re not new. As you can see from this photo of Katie with Chris Klein in 2004 and from this more recent photo of her out shopping in October, it’s really just how she’s choosing to trim her natural hairline – super cute if you ask me. PPPS. Thanks to the darling Patricia in Montreal who attended the Kenneth Anger seminar at Concordia recently. Anger is the author of the Hollywood Babylon books and he said the third installment of his series was being held up because the publishers did not want to include the chapter on Tom Cruise and then he expressed his own doubts about the genetic origins of Little Sci: “Let me asked you, do you really believe that kid is his? This guy can"t have kids, You want to know why? Because he was a male hustler from the age of 16 to 19 and he was very naive. At one point he caught Syphilis, but he had no idea what it was. He (thought) he lubrified more. He waited so long to get it checked out that now he"s sterile." Patricia said that Kenneth said he knows this because he and the GMD shared the same urologist. Of course, for the benefit of the Cruise rabid legal team, I don’t have a video of the controversial appearance so I won’t vouch for the validity but I’m sure it’s yet another convenient little crack in the dream that’ll go ignored by the amateur gossip. Where the FRUCK is that Andrew Morton expose??? Anyway, let’s move on to the guests, shall we? Source TMZ and X17
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