The Departed & The Leo

October 10, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 10, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
If you haven"t seen it and you intend to see it, STOP READING NOW, spoilers ahead… Thank Goddess - an almost faithful clone of Infernal Affairs, save the introduction of one character for the purpose of wrapping things up in a neat Hollywood bow. And that, aside from Jack Nicholson"s occasional bout of overacting, is the only flaw. There are no happy endings in Hong Kong cinema. Everyone dies and on the off chance someone doesn"t die, it"s usually the one character you actually want to die, just to reinforce that there are no happy endings, that evil is a formidable foe, that Life and Iniquity walk hand in hand, often in the absence of Justice. Mark Wahlberg"s role does not exist in the original. It does not exist because it has no purpose. And the only purpose behind Mark"s role in this version is to whack Matt Damon, who is the Rat left standing, who does not meet a tragic end in the Hong Kong cut but lives on successfully - the new king of duplicity and betrayal capturing the essence of Hong Kong theatrics. The fact that he prevails is the ultimate in unhappy endings - an ending with loose threads, absolutely unacceptable to the Hollywood formula, which is why Matt Damon had to die, so that everything could fit into a nice little box with a nice little bow, everyone punished accordingly, Justice present and fully account for…which really defeats the purpose, non? Still...I have to tell you... I loved Alec Baldwin. He killed me. And I really, really loved Leo and Matt. Especially Leo. This from someone who has never found him attractive, who has never experienced the slightest loin quiveration on Leo Watch - all of a sudden, as an anxiety-ridden gangster with a ripped body, Leo is incredibly sexy. And while I"m still not crazy about the semi-pipsqueak of his voice or the clammy bloat hanging off his face between projects, I am crazy about the way he kisses onscreen and especially about the way he takes a nice a handful of ass during the love scene - it"s hot, y"all… hot enough for a test run on the Freebie Five. Because barring the modelising tendencies (no pun intended) and the tapered sweatpants and the Four Whisker hair attempts (definitely an upgrade on Orly Bloom), Leo has gone from Teenybopper Titanic to Hollywood Heavyweight. Scorcese can"t make a movie without him, Oscar can"t avoid him, and at the tender age of 32, he is head and shoulders in clout and in consistency ahead of his peers. Like it or not, Leonardo DiCaprio is a first class catch … what more could you want from from a fantasy f&ck? Bonjour Leo, au revoir Zizou. Pour maintenant. Because I"m a fickle bitch, the World Cup was like 4 months ago, and if you even try to to slander my Borat, I will cut you. PS. The Departed owned the box office this week and will likely build on positive reviews. PPS. And who produced it? Why… Brad Pitt of course. First Tom goes crazy, then Jen gets exposed, now Brad rules Hollywood…you think the MiniVan Majority is pissed???
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