Britney Spears: non news & wishful thinking

May 11, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at May 11, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Like you were surprised??? On the off chance you"ve been confined to gossip detox for the last 24 hours, Britney Spears went on Letterman last night and confirmed the worst kept secret in Hollywood - that Kevin Federline is the most fertile man in the history of sperm and that he has managed to secure another million dollars from her womb. Not exactly earthshattering, jawdropping news right? So why should you care? Well…inspite of the cheeto consumption, the stinky feet, the pimples, the sh*tty ratty topknot, the widespread ridicule she has received from everyone everywhere over the last 2 years, Britney still rules the pop culture landscape. So much so that when she has something to announce and when she chooses to do it very cleverly, the ensuing coverage eclipses the competition. That, my friends, is called "It". And while Britney might be chunk and junk these days, she still has IT, and most people still care. Which is why she not so coincidentally made the announcement right here, right now when she also happens to be pimping a brand new fragrance called "In Control." Anyway, here"s Britney under 10 pounds of face cake, looking lovelier by the day, accompanied by SPF after taping the show. So not feeling the dixie cup, small hicktown hairbow but overall not a bad sighting. Good to know she"s still capable of cleaning up nice, non? And finally, just because we wouldn"t be complete without the requisite weekly break up rumour - Us Weekly has reignited divorce talk with their latest cover, claiming Britney was thisclose to firing her husband just before finding out she was pregnant. According to the magazine, La Brit and her legal team were in the process of finessing a split when Kfed cleverly dispatched his most supreme swimmers to thwart the clandestine escape strategy. Needless to say, exit plans have been temporarily put on hold. But before you lose hope and despair anew, think of this as a huge step forward. Six months ago, she would hardly have entertained thoughts of leaving this jerkoff, let alone meeting with lawyers to cut him off. Six months ago, all he had to do was put on a beater tank and light up a ciggie and she"d be writing a cheque for an easy 50 grand. Six months ago, she was still horny enough to actually tolerate his rap, his fi-ya, and his po po zooloo. These days, however, Britney"s making progress. And while it will likely be several months before she leaves him for good…all signs point to her eventual resuscitation and rebirth. So have patience, y"all. Stupid people just take a while longer. We must continue to believe.
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