Britney vs Julia and the world

June 16, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at June 16, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Did she really call her kids her “booboos”??? And did she really call out Julia Roberts for being a homewrecker too? Did she really say her “maid” was a “slacker”??? I hope you watched it. Please tell me you did. A full hour of Britney – it was SO worth it. Not only for pure entertainment value but also as a public service announcement against the dangers of child stardom. The poor moron can barely string together a sentence and it would have been funny if it wasn’t so tragic because she kept insisting on trying to convince us that in addition to being really “strong”, she’s also really “smart” – this from someone STILL married to Kevin Federline??? Let’s start by giving respect to Matt Lauer who did not shy away from the tough questions and went as far as he could without getting tossed out of her house. Matt point blank asked her how she could hook up with someone whose babymother was 6 months pregnant at the time with their second child. He asked her if she thought the karma boomerang would come back and smack her in her white trash ass for stealing someone else’s man. And her answer? “Oh no. Because we’re happy.” Priceless, y’all. It was priceless. As was the moment she described her husband as “simple.” Me. On the floor. Laughing my Chinese face off. Not so funny however was her appearance. I wanted to reach through the television and fix her right eye – the one that looked like something was hanging off it. The makeup, the hair, the fidgeting, the gum, the nasty chewed up nails, the skin that sagged off her neck, the SHOES, those low classy shoes! I have never, ever seen someone spend their money so poorly. I mean, if you’re going to go budget with that kind of account balance…why bother being rich at all??? And the worst part is they kept cutting to images of her former self. When she was HOT! And fit! And HOT! Did that make you sad? Because it made me sad. I miss Britney. I miss her so much. But when it comes to the tears and the complaining about the pappies and the price of fame and the fishbowl existence – call me a bitch but umm, no sympathy here honey. None at all. She lives in Los Angeles for f&ck’s sake. She wants a normal life? Move to Idaho! Move anywhere! Don’t sell your personal videos to UPN and call it a reality show!?! Why is it that celebrities believe they can exist without consequence? If I had to deal with 7 years of bad credit because I pissed away my credit card privileges in university, she can certainly deal with us peering into her gated mansion after telling the world how often and how good the sex was with her husband. Six times in one day, remember??? Like most superstars, Britney wants you to f&ck off when it’s convenient. But definitely not when she has something to sell. A new line of baby clothes apparently. Why? Because, and I quote, she loves “money.” So this little sob story? These pleas for privacy? Save your bullsh*t, Cheeto, because I ain’t buyin’. I won’t buy but I will continue to care. And here’s the remarkable thing about Britney Spears. In spite of the mistakes and the stupidity, the low IQ, the trailer park style, in spite of it all, she still fascinates me. Britney Spears still has that “it” – Level 10 “it” – the rarest of “its”, reserved for a select few who never cease to captivate no matter how bad they look and no matter how badly they behave. With a good plastic surgeon, the assistance of the Hollywood Diet Doctors, and Linda Perry producing her next album, Britney is capable of a legendary comeback before the age of 30. But only if that albatross goes back to Taco Bell where he belongs. Only if only. And I still believe y’all. I still believe.
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