Chicken Fried in Vancouver

April 9, 2009 07:21:34 Posted at April 9, 2009 07:21:34
Lainey Posted by Lainey

By now I’m sure you’ve heard – Britney Spears stopped the Circus last night for more than half an hour claiming it was too “smoky”. This from a bitch who smokes in front of her kids. It was, for real, the best part of the concert. You know for the smut factor. Our theories about what she was doing, or not doing, and who might be nailing her, or what they were getting for her at Starbucks, or who had to finally threaten her with a lawsuit, all of it was so much more entertaining than her performance.

Also entertaining: what people were wearing. Or rather not wearing. Some girls, they were almost naked. We also wondered why you need to bring a 6 year old to a Britney Spears concert. But between the two of us – a child hating hag and a fag – perhaps we’ll never understand this.

But back to Britney …

Were there people smoking? Sure. But no more than usual. And it was not oppressive. It’s been much, much worse. It was much worse for George Michael. Much worse at Madonna. In my section, there was no smoke at all. At least not until she complained about it. After she complained about it, they all lit up just to bite her ass.


There was no smoke issue. There are many other issues, but there was no smoke issue.

Britney played Edmonton on Monday night and was on a plane right away, whisked away literally 5 minutes after the end of Womanizer to board her private jet back to LA. She arrived via private jet in Vancouver some time in the afternoon Wednesday. Once again, no more than 60 seconds passed after she left the stage at GM Place before her motorcade was speeding towards the airport. She had lifted off by 11:30pm.

The point?

She’s exhausted. She doesn’t give a sh-t. She could barely stand to fondle herself halfheartedly last night. Seriously – she needed a nap!

Can you imagine what they had to bribe her with to make her keep going?

We were wondering about that. We were wondering if they’d resort to hiring a boyfriend. She’s miserable without a boyfriend.

So anyway… how was the show?

As feared, the show was boring.

Britney spends the entire first costume set not walking. In fact, Suri Cruise probably walks more than she does. Instead, she pretty much gets wheeled around from end to end. Still…she was so tired, y’all. After riding around in a glorified shopping cart for 15 minutes, she walked off, not to return:

“Ms Spears will take the stage once the air clears”.

From her cheeto farts.

When she did come back, she did manage to use her own legs a few times. Barely. Because these days, Britney’s lower half doesn’t work. Girl has no steps. She also can’t be bothered to move her lips sometimes. She knows you know that she’s not singing. So why waste any extra energy pretending? Which is why Darren and I, we decided to change focus. We decided instead to play our favourite game:

Which dancer do you want to take to bed?

Super fun! And VERY challenging!

By far the most enjoyable part of the Circus and it doesn’t actually involve her – the dancer solos. Like America’s Best Dance Crew/So You Think You Can Dance. Killed.

Am torn between Justin, Chase, and George. Darren likes Chase so I let him go. We didn’t want to fight. On the ride home, I struggled with the other two. Still have yet to decide.

See? We had to play independently among ourselves. At the bargain price of $150 each.


At the very end, after a rather anticlimactic rendition of Womanizer, Britney said goodbye and advised everyone not to smoke weed. Then, even before they closed the trap doors, she was disrobing and hollering for her ride…

And this just about sums up the Circus Britney:

The Circus Britney has no finish. She cannot close. She cannot hold a pose until the very last note. There is no attention to detail. The show is sloppy because she is sloppy. I don’t care what the set looks like, how beautifully it was designed, how impressive the video display, how intricate the special effects because if everyone can see the artist not keeping up with the moves, breaking formation at the end of each number, and rushing into the traps, it may as well be a high school production.

This is no longer a professional. This is a girl squeezing as many millions out of a tour for the people living off of her, hoping that when it’s over, they will finally let her quit.


PS. That f-ckin’ weave is busted.

PPS. They keep showing video footage of her from the past, from Stronger. TERRIBLE strategy.

File photos from

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