February 26, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at February 26, 2006 12:00:00
Five reasons why: 1. Her name. Milla. Millaaaaaa. Meeeellllaaaaaaaa. It"s so dramatic, how can you resist the urge to say it over and over again? Meeelaaaa. Anyone with the name Milla has to truly FILL the name. You can"t have a mousy Milla who shuffles around all meek and mild with the mannerisms of an invisible bookkeeper, mumbling half her life away. No, gossips. Millas are opera divas and prime ministers wives. Millas are young 80s supermodels who grow up to make bad comic book/video game movies but are still as beautiful and as intriguing as ever. 2. Her new movie Ultraviolet, indistinguishable from Charlize"s Aeon Flux, will likely do much better even though Milla is a mere blip on the star scale next to the South African glamazon and her permascowl. Theron as an action star? Hardly, gossips. Hardly. 3. Her adrogyny. Female, yes. But equally convincing as an ass kicker. If she wanted to tie me up and spank my crusty Chinese ass for all the bad, bad things I say on my website, I"d let her do it in a second. 4. Her accent. Although she speaks perfect English, there is a hint of Euro underneath her words, a subtle but sensual inflection that adds an extra hint of flavor to an already appealing package. In fact, any accent to me is sexy. Anything but Cantonese. And if you"ve ever heard my mother speak English you"d know exactly why. Think of a chicken squawking at an open market and then throw the Bard on top of that. Mandarin, yes. Guttural Cantonese? Absolutely not. 5. Her breasts. She has none. As flat as a board and proud of it. The best part? Milla doesn"t feel the need to overcompensate for her small tits by repeatedly giving the entire world free visuals of her snatch, something we all wish Paris Hilton could learn from. There. My ode to Milla. Now we just have to find her a boyfriend. Who"s worthy gossips? You tell me.