Chinese Squawking Chicken Articles

My Ma or things she would say or do.

Leather pants and platforms

July 2, 2009 07:41:26 Posted at July 2, 2009 07:41:26
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning yesterday on the set of The Runaways working that old school style. High waist leather pants. Please. If I put those on I’d be the Chinese Porny Simpson. Kristen however looks amazing. There’s a cute, cute, CUTE body under there. As for those platforms, my mother had a pair. Full Story

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Is that the only reason?

March 11, 2009 08:46:08 Posted at March 11, 2009 08:46:08
Lainey Posted by Lainey

JailBait Miley Cyrus is currently on some kind of promotional tour – book, movie, virginity – and was on the radio yesterday with Detroit’s Mojo in the Morning on WKQI when she was asked when she and that f-cking 20 year old loser she’s dating Justin Gaston are moving in together. Full Story

Monday, March 9, 2009

Dear Gossips,

I called my mother this morning. It’s her birthday. These are the rules: I call her on MY birthday to thank her for giving me life. I call her on HER birthday to give thanks that she is alive.

Me: Happy Birthday Mom!
Squawking Chicken: (cackling) Today your favourite day of year!
Me: Sure. What do you have planned?
Squawking Chicken: what you buy me?
Me: you can tell me what you want when I come home next week.
Squawking Chicken: why you not think about it?
Me: you keep changing your mind, Mother.
Squawking Chicken: I go to Casino Rama today. If I no win, you pay me.
Me: Fine. Penny slots, right?
Squawking Chicken: My birthday. Why I play penny slots?
Me: because that’s what you normally play.
Squawking Chicken (switching to Cantonese now): You put my birthday on a budget? Do you know Mommy almost died carrying you around? Do you know what it felt like, you were 9 pounds. All because your dad’s side of the family gave you thick legs. The early bird casino shuttle is leaving soon. I have to go.
Me: um, ok. Have fun.


Click.

My mother doesn’t believe in goodbye. As for those of who keep asking us – is she really like that? Put it this way: most people who were at my wedding can’t remember what I was wearing. Everyone at my wedding remembers what SHE was wearing. Today is my favourite day of the year.

Twilight sighted all over Vancouver. Photos and details to come. Fangirls gone crazy on Canada’s West Coast. And we have months to go…

Monday – am blogging all day, still sniffling, but Porny’s making it better. New Jessica Simpson pics! And Matt Damon’s junk encased in spandex.

SCROLL DOWN for photos of a sassy Miss Zahara and her sister posted late on Friday.

Yours in gossip,

Lainey

PS. The photo issue from last week should be resolved. And the photos are also loading much quicker. If you continue to experience problems, please email inquiries@laineygossip.com.

Celebrity agriculture

March 5, 2009 08:19:01 Posted at March 5, 2009 08:19:01
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Rachel Bilson and her betrothed Hayden Christensen spotted in Malibu yesterday after lunch. His legs look skinnier than hers. And she’s TINY. Ew. Anyway, Hayden and Rachel have been spending a lot of time in Ontario working on his farmhouse. Am also told that they’ve also been visiting local breeders looking for a dog that can herd all their goats. Full Story

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Oscar goes everywhere

March 5, 2009 07:15:00 Posted at March 5, 2009 07:15:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

This is for the gays and the girls who love them, especially my Morley who emails me once a week claiming first dibs on Dustin Lance Black. DLB won an Oscar for writing Milk – have you seen it yet? Probably not. And why not??? Anyway, as you can see, DLB is beautiful. According to some, he’s also acting kinda obnoxiously. Full Story

Dry Bitter Melon Peels needs The Secret?

October 28, 2008 18:18:11 Posted at October 28, 2008 18:18:11
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Last month on my birthday I broke my goddess charm – a red string pendant I’ve worn around my neck for years. It was moldy and frayed and still, I had it with me on every occasion, even the dress up ones. And then I dropped it and it cracked and for an entire night I couldn’t reach my mother and, paralysed with fear, I spent the evening of my 35th birthday living as though it would be my last. Full Story

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Will at 40

September 26, 2008 07:52:06 Posted at September 26, 2008 07:52:06
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Is damn fine. Look at that skin! Will Smith celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday and was joined by family at his son Trey’s football game. Do you see Carlton? It’s Carlton! Will shares his birthday with Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas… which has always had me wondering about the science of astrology. Full Story

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Worst Emmy Couple: Patrick Dempsey & Mrs BitchFace

September 22, 2008 07:11:41 Posted at September 22, 2008 07:11:41
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Another carpet, another case of the BitchFace. She tried to smile and it almost incapacitated her. My mother calls it Fu Gwa Gon: Dry Bitter Melon Peels. Her godson married a Fu Gwa Gon. Even when she’s happy she looks like she’s at a funeral. One day a few years ago, mother was playing mahjong and Fu Gwa Gon was sitting in her eyeline. Full Story

Worst Emmy Wrinkle: Nicolette Sheridan

September 22, 2008 06:40:00 Posted at September 22, 2008 06:40:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

It’s a bold idea. But is bold good? I have a thing about wrinkles. It’s from my mother. She irons everything. And she would say, if she could see this dress… Chow chow. Chow is wrinkly in Cantonese. We like to repeat adjectives twice for added effect. Chow chow may be bold…but chow chow not good. Full Story

Kay vs The Squawking Chicken

August 27, 2008 10:55:03 Posted at August 27, 2008 10:55:03
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Kay McConaughey, Matthew’s mother, might actually rival mine in no shameness. I love her. Kay, I mean. She makes my life. I need to be her friend. Kay is writing a book. The title? I AMAZE MYSELF! It’s true. She amazes me too. In her book, she describes the death of her husband – he literally died on top of her and she only realised it because he wasn’t grunting: “On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. Full Story

Mimi Married

May 2, 2008 08:04:50 Posted at May 2, 2008 08:04:50
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Doesn’t look like Ashton had anything to do with it! Nope… Mimi’s just crazy! And crazy in love. One of Nick Cannon’s relatives reportedly confirmed the news to E! and the New York Post is suggesting that it happened so quickly, she actually went ahead with it BEFORE signing a prenup! See what happens when you lose too much weight too quickly? You fry your brain! As for the ring drama and whether or not he recycled the same ring he used for Selita Ebanks – it was confirmed that Nick purchased Mimi’s ring from Jacob & Co: pink diamonds, 17 carats worth $2. Full Story