December 21, 2015 – Smutty Shout-Outs
Rebekah! The gold is good. The awakening has been great. And of course there are good things ahead. How long have we been together? Let’s stay together, yes? Happy Birthday!
"To Maureen, who keeps Her Royal Nubbinness Minnie living in a standard that befits her most supreme elegance. She is most pleased that you FINALLY realized that she belongs in a state where other people vacation, regardless of how badly the humidity affects your hair (but at least you're VERY far away from any freaky forests and ghost staircases). She is henceforth decreeing that your new year is to be free of any Tinder f-ckboys or men with "nice guy profiles", and instructs that you use the new middle finger emoji and eye roll emoji ruthlessly and efficiently.
As for your gossipy friends, we're just happy for you...and okay, maybe we're happy for us, too. Because we get to be friends with someone who makes us laugh, who raises us up, and who inspires us. We can see you rolling your eyes at that, but think about what you've done this year objectively, as if you were looking at one of your friends' accomplishments - you changed everything in your life that wasn't making you as happy as it could in one blazing, defiant act of bravery, and we can't wait to see where you are at this time next year. Okay, you'll probably still be rubbing Minnie's belly. But you'll be running a corner of the world while you're doing it.
For all of this and more, here is a Fassy and McAvoy combo pack, your favourite Doctors, Benedict from a time when it was far less complicated to love him, Keanu with a doggie, and your new #1, Brock O'Hurn, with coffee!"